Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Update...

Here is the story about the fire that appeared in the online newspaper today: http://www.floridatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060222/NEWS01/602220372/1006

Still no word about how our neighbor is doing. I've made a call to the local police department's victim advocate to see if she had any news, but haven't heard from her.

We haven't heard if we will be able to still live in our apartment. To be honest, I don't want to go back there now. Just thinking about it makes my stomach really hurt. I am so fearful of open flames now. Even the candle on the table at dinner last night made me feel very squeamish.

Thanks for your concern and recommending the Red Cross. There was a Red Cross representative there. He helped Kim with some assistance, as well as the folks in the other apartment on the first floor and the folks above them. I guess since we mentioned that we can stay with friends they didn't think we needed any help.

Last night, Alan was able to fall asleep but I had a very difficult time getting there. I tried to get as close to Alan in bed as I could, huddling next to him like a frightened child. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Eric, all charred, the whites of his eyes standing out amongst all the black soot. I kept hearing the screams and banging noise I heard that early morning. I tossed around for about an hour before I went back into the living room of our friends home, where they were watching television.

I sat next to Chris on the couch. He put his arm around me, and I just lost it. He held me very father-like, reassuring me that I was safe there. He shared his practical wisdom on the situation while I sobbed and sniffed into his chest. After I had my release, he made me some hot malted milk and gave me some sort of herbal sleep aid. Denise gave me a couple of magazines to read, and I was finally sleepy enough to try it. I curled next to Alan again, and fell asleep.

Am I ever going to feel totally safe again?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Still in shock....



I'll be brief (sort of....as brief as I can be--you know me!)

Early this morning at 3:30 am, I was awakened by loud screams from the neighbors next door. I thought it might have been a domestic fight. I ran out the front of our apartment to see our neighbor, Eric, standing on the sidewalk, his face and arms totally black. It was then that I saw the orange flames rolling from the window.

Immediately I ran in and told Alan there was a fire and we had to get out! I grabbed his phone and dialed 911, then grabbed some clothes, shoes, and my purse while Alan grabbed his laptop and our safekeeping box that holds passports, titles, etc.

When we ran out, Eric was not outside. I don't know where he was for sure at that point. Eric lived next door with his fiancee, Kim and their three dogs. One of the dogs came running up to us while we were standing there waiting for the fire department. I had no clue where any of the rest of them were at that point. It wasn't until later that I heard they were all out on the other side of the building. I took their other dog to the other side of the building and asked a firefighter where Eric and Kim were so I could give them their dog back. He said he didn't know, but that he would take the dog where the other dogs were. They took Eric to the hospital--he is severely burned, estimated at about 60-70% of his body. As of this writing, I don't know his condition.

There is a lot of water and smoke damage to our apartment. For the next few nights, we are staying with our friends Chris and Denise, then we will be going to Vegas for our vacation. There is a good chance we may not be able to live in our apartment anymore, and our complex has nowhere else to put us. So, add potential homelessness to the list.

I'm writing this from home, as they have allowed us back in temporarily to get some clothes and things. I am planning to return to work tomorrow. I am still in great shock. Funny thing, though--I was calm enough to be a good support to Kim as she sat in the apartment office, answering a berage of questions from the fire marshall and police. (I don't think I mentioned, but the cause of the fire at this point seems to be a candle.)But now, I just feel very shaky and want to fall apart. I am SO THANKFUL to God for giving me Alan in my life to be my rock. I don't think I could have survived this without him.

The photos above:

Our apartment door is on the left.....

Our bathroom....that black stuff is soot and ashes. Notice the scales survived! :)

Will update when I can.

PS: For all those who can receive channel 2 WESH out of Orlando, they interviewed Alan about the fire.....

Monday, February 20, 2006

So....how am I doing? (NYE's resolutions revisted

Here's my New Years Resolution Progress report (A, B, C , D or F)

--Eat 5-6 small meals a day, staying within 1700-2000 (remember, I have over 120 lbs to lose)........I do well with this during the work week, but not so good on weekends. GRADE: B

--Eat a source of protein with each meal.....I do fairly well with this. GRADE: A

--90 oz of water minimum....during the week is no problem, need to do more on the weekend. GRADE: B

--track food and exercise in SparkPeople (see link on the right side of the page).......I do at least some tracking every day. It may not be the whole day, but the majority. GRADE: B

--Be in bed by 10 pm every night, so I can get 8 hours of sleep.......NOT so good at this, especially since we got cable..;) GRADE: D

--Do at least 10 minutes of exercise a day BARE minimum (will most likely do 30 minutes daily)......... NOT well at all--lost my mojo about a month ago when my really bad period sidelined me. GRADE: F
--Try different workouts (yoga, Biggest Loser, WATP, etc)....when I've worked out, I've done this. GRADE: D
--Manage time better--plan workouts, pack lunch the night before, pick out clothes the night before, etc).......this is hit and miss. Some days I do , some days I don't. GRADE: D
--Plan meals for the week rather than waiting to decide on the ride home from the office......I have not done this at all. GRADE: F

So my average grade so far: C

Friday, February 17, 2006

Why did I do it?

Well, at 10:47 am I have consumed over 700 calories, mainly because I decided to have a 3 Musketeers bar (okay, two). I ate them on the way back from the doctor's office. I bought it when I went to get a car magazine to send to Jamie at boot camp. I am trying to figure out why I bought them and ate them in the first place. I wasn't hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I wasn't bored or stressed either. I guess I bought it to treat myself for getting through the doctor's visit. (It really wasn't that stressful--just a Pap smear.) BTW, my weight on the doctor's scale was 327.

Just trying to figure this out....

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Motivation

More good stuff from 3 Fat Chicks, this time by Funniegrrl:

I finally stuck to a program for a number of years when I gave up on motivation. Here's what I realized:

Motivation will often get you started, but motivation is an EMOTION. Emotions always come and go, it's natural. So, if you build your world around dependence on it, you'll always be disappointed. It always leaves. If you stick around long enough it'll come back, but it's going to cycle in and out for the rest of your life.

For me, success finally came when, rather than hoping my motivation would sustain me through losing and keeping off 170+ pounds, I decided I was going to do what it takes to see me through. I had a long talk with myself about the fact that it was going to be hard when that initial enthusiasm faded, that there would be times when I was hanging on by my fingernails. I would often have to do things I didn't WANT to do, or I would have to refrain from doing things I WANTED. I could no longer live my life by whim. I would give up a lot of things I enjoyed -- not only eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, but I LOVE cooking and talking and reading about recipes and techniques and restaurants and cuisines. I was giving up my primary hobby. I would have to find other ways to deal with boredom besides food. I was going to make a radical change in my life, and that included being active. I learned about myself and what strategies would help me stay on track when "motivation" and "willpower" were not close at hand. I felt vulnerable when my office had it's holiday party that first year ... so I didn't go. I don't keep food in the house that I'm prone to binge on. I make sure that I have my lunch for the next day packed before I go to bed so I don't have the "I didn't have time this morning" excuse. Etc.

Good for you for coming back. There are lots of ways to keep that motivation flowing -- books and websites to read and whatnot, journaling, etc. However, I think the people who are successful in the long run do so through determination, not motivation. At least that's the case for me.


And more:

Let me challenge you to think about this in a little different way. Forget about "motivation." First of all, no one here can give you motivation -- it has to be something you give yourself. Second, motivation is an emotion that comes and goes. Even if you were to get motivated to put down the knitting and hit the treadmill, that motivation isn't going to last forever.

Getting healthy -- whether you are talking about eating, or exercise, or whatever -- is about committment. You decide that this is what you are going to do, regardless of whether or not you "feel like it" on any given day. Decide on a reasonable exercise schedule, put it on your calendar, and do it. You do it because it's time to do it, not because you'd rather do it than anything else.

I don't show up for work every day because I'd rather be at the office than at the local coffeeshop with a bagel and a crossword puzzle. I do it because I have to. Same with brushing my teeth, taking out the garbage, writing checks to the landlord. There are consequences if I don't. I don't ENJOY these things, I don't feel "motivated" to do them, but I do them nonetheless.

There may come a day -- I HOPE there comes a day -- where you enjoy exercise for its own sake. But, until that day comes, you have to make up your mind that it is simply something you are going to do because you need to do it.


And even more:

I understand what you are experiencing, but for me this isn't about "motivation." Motivation is an EMOTION, which comes and goes. There are things you can do to keep it pumped up, which I'll talk about later, but even then it's going to desert you from time to time. What has kept me going through over 3-1/2 years and the loss of over 165 pounds is DETERMINATION.

If you find yourself giving in to fleeting urges frequently, to me that's a sign that you need to do more planning. When I started my program I sat down every night and planned my menu for the next day down to the smallest detail. I laid out things for breakfast as much as I could, and I packed my lunch and all the snacks I would need at work the next day (if the next day was a work day). When I got home from work I knew exactly what I had to prepare for dinner. Some people would balk at this -- the work, and the "restriction" -- but for me it was crucial. Eating by whim was what got me to well over 300 pounds. By knowing that I would be eating a meal or snack every 3 to 4 hours, I eliminated the "hmmm I think I want something to eat" mind-wandering. I had a schedule. Second, it eliminated the possibility of making those split-second decisions to eat something bad -- if it wasn't in my lunch box it was simply off-limits. Period.

I still find that the times I eat off-plan are the times I've done the least planning and preparation. I have kind of a "menu template" that I follow, but am willing to let myself make last-minute choices within that template. However, the less prepared I am with viable choices, the more likely I am to make poor ones.

That time each evening planning the next day's food also served as a time to simply focus on what I was trying to accomplish. I think a lot of people trying to lose weight have this vague wish to do it, but they don't spend time every single day THINKING HARD about it, making concrete plans, anticipating challenges, visualizing solutions. I think we all have a strong tendency to want to "wing it" and do only what we want at a particular moment -- eat the junk, stay on the couch, whatever. The ones who are successful are those who work hard to turn that thinking around, who give up some of that supposed freedom (which is really a prison built of food and sloth) in order to accomplish goals. In addition to the time I spent on menu planning, I also made sure I went to the grocery store every week, same day and time, to stock up with healthy food for the week. There were no excuses about not having vegetables in the house or whatever. I also spent a lot of time reading about fitness and weight loss (such as Thin for Life, and Shape magazine, and health and fitness web sites). This became my hobby, it became a focal point of my life. I truly believe that for people who have a lot of weight to lose, especially if they've struggled with weight a long time, this HAS to become a project that takes center stage. It is not something you can do incidentally, at least to start. If you build a good foundation, you can gradually shift to a more "normal" life as the new habits take hold. But if you never dedicate the time and energy to planning and journaling and digging deep, it'll be hard to turn around that conditioning that associates stress with chocolate, movies with popcorn, shopping with fast food, etc.

Evaluation

I just LOVE when Charles78 on 3 Fat Chicks shares what he has learned over the last two years on his weight loss journey. This is what he wrote in response to Jenaya's post about struggling:

When I started and at the advice of my behaviorist I did a evaluation of where I was at and what I wanted for myself. Here is what motivated me. I re-read this a lot. It helps to keep me focused. ( I made notes where some things have changes)

Make sure you goals are:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Timed

"Knowledge without action is useless"
My Maintenance Weight Goal is: 230

Make sure that all the goals you set for yourself are SMART ones.


SOCIAL PRESSURES

• I don’t go out a lot, so this is not a super concern for me.



RELATIONSHIP CONCERNS

• I have a 7 year old daughter. A huge motivator for me is to:

o Get healthy so I will be around for her
o Get fit so that I can be a better father – do more things with Katy and do what I can for her to have a better childhood
o I worry about the bad example that I set for Katy in the weight department. I know the stigma of being over-weight and I really don’t want that for my daughter.





Willingness vs. Excuses (Where are you at?)
• I feel very willing to make this change in my life. I feel stupid for waiting this long to do it. I do beat myself up a good bit over the wasted years of my life. I know that I need to put that baggage down and move on. It bothers me that I left myself go for so long. I need to work on that.




Rate your level of Motivation and Confidence (Scale of 1 to 10…10 being very):

• Most days a 7 or 8. I feel good about the change. I would put higher but I know the statistics are very daunting for long term successful weight loss. Some days, especially if I have a bad day, I give in to a little pity and despair. On those days I would say my motivation goes to about a 3 or 4. Thus far, my good days have far out numbered my bad ones.



Eating Triggers (List……Smell, Sight, Taste, Cravings, Trigger Foods, etc.)
• French Fries
• Frito's
• Fresh baked bread
• Smell of cooking steak
• Potato chips of any kind


Emotional Triggers (List……i.e. Happy, Sad, Bored, etc.)
• Sad
• Stressed
• Bored
• Angry
• Frustrated

High Risk Situations (List - Weekends, Parties, Work, etc.)
• Weekends – but only because it gets me out of my routine.
• Very high stress situations make me want to eat.



10 ways to reward myself without food:

1. Quiet time – read a good book (Got my room setup)

2. Go to the movie

3. Purchase next electronic must have LOL

4. Go to a play, concert or museum

5. Go workout at the gym - hit the whirlpool afterwards.

6. Buy some new clothes.

7. Go out with friends.

8. Make time to mini-vacation. (Galveston on
weekends, short trips.)

9. Buy some good songs from Napster for my mp3 player.

10. Treat myself to a massage






20 ways to cope without food:

1. Get more active. go workout, do more things with Katy

2. Realize that whatever problems I am facing, they will be easier to face if I am healthy and feel good. Nothing that I have to deal with will be easier at 563 pounds. In fact, no matter what the situation it will be easier to deal with at 220-230 because I will have more energy and feel better.

3. Realize that I have a food addiction. Support groups are now going to be a part of my life from now on. It will be a never ending process to get and stay healthy, but one that I know will be worth it for me and for my family.

4. Read as much information as I can about successful strategies for making lifetime behavior changes.

5. If I feel bored, get up and go do something…. Anything but eat. If I feel angry – go take a drive, listen to some music – call someone in my support team. If I feel sad and start in on myself about things that I have not done with my life, remind myself that the past is over and cannot be changed. The only events I have control over are the ones happening right NOW!

6. Join an on-line discussion group with people that have the same problems that I do with food. As I use a computer so much and read a lot of message boards, this might be a good source of additional support to supplement the support groups I am already active in.

7. Schedule some “play” time everyday

8. Don’t be reluctant to say “No”

9. Look for ways to reduce the stress in my life.

10. Try to see problems as challenges that if I plan and work hard on, that I can overcome.

11. Continue to work to find serenity. While some aspects of my life are not great, I need to keep the serenity prayer in mind.

12. Put focus back on being very productive at work. If I excel in that part of my life, it will help to relive some of my stress. Lower stress will help in all aspects of my life.

13. Actively seek out and deal with parts of my life that I tend to suppress and procrastinate on. Pretending the problem is not there will not make it go away. ( damn it to hell )

14. Go to Bally's. That will give me a healthy outlet for exercise, social interaction and recreation.

15. Plan, budget for and do activities with Katy to broaden her horizons and be entertaining, fun and educational for the both of us.

16. Look into taking yoga or a meditation class.

17. Read more books!

18. Spend more time with my friends.

19. Set a goal for myself to coach a FFPS soccer team next fall.

20. Lastly, I resolve to do whatever it takes – therapy, educational classes, support groups and even surgery as a last alternative to achieve my goal of better health by reaching and maintaining for the remainder of my life a healthy weight.




DENIAL MINIMIZATION RATIONALIZATION

(Or as I like to call them, the 3 horsemen of the Apocalypse)

(Some of my best thinking processes about food helped me become overweight)

Denial
• My coping mechanism seems to be repression. If I have problems or issues, I just refuse to confront them. I do lots of other stuff not to deal with issues. I think that this is a form of denial. I don’t give into the “oh I eat nothing and the weight just jumps on me” kind of thing. I know that I got the way I am by eating 5000 plus calories a day. At the time, I just did not give a damn.

Minimization
• Ok, I own up to this one. An extra hash brown and an extra sausage biscuit with cheese is not that bad for you.
• I minimized the harm that I was doing to myself with my over eating. On one level, I knew it was killing me, but I just was not willing to do anything about it – until last May (2004).

Rationalization
• OK, I am the king of this one. I consider myself to be intelligent, so I can rationalize just about anything. You know, I am unhappy so what the hell, lets head to McDonalds on the way home from work. How about well, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke – so what? I over eat – everyone deserves one vice. I can make anything I do seem logical… and often do. It is only when I can step back and really look critically and logically at what I am doing can I see it for the BS that it really is. So what if you are unhappy Charles, how the hell is anything at McDonalds going to fix that??? LOL man it is almost funny if it was not so sad.

My Plan to Battle these three:

These three are killers for sure. My plan is to keep my focus on my objectives. Keep going to group, keep involved in an active weight loss program. That will help me stay vigilant for that kind of thinking. I resolve to be honest with the people in my group and the people that I work with on my weight problem so that they can help let me know if I am slipping into one of the big three deadly sins.

To paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, The price of a healthy weight is eternal vigilance.
• I will never be defeated unless I quit trying.
• If I ever relapse to my old eating patterns, I will immediately seek out help to get back on the path to sanity. I will not let shame, humiliation or pride keep me from looking for the help I need.
• If I ever find that what I am doing is not working, I will work to find what will work. I affirm today that my current condition is no longer acceptable to me.
• I affirm that this is something that I want for me. There may a lot of things in this life that I do not have control over – however, my lifestyle and relationship to food is something that with help, focus and desire - it is a goal that I can reach and maintain.


I make this plan for myself and only myself: Sign below….

__________________________________________________



Reduction weight goal: Lose a total of 342.3 lbs.


Time Frame:

I want to be less than 400lbs by December 1, 2004. To reach that goal; I need to lose 4.2 lbs per week. - Reached it.

I want to be less than 300 lbs by May 28, 2005. To reach that goal; I need to lose 3.8 lbs per week. (It took me until 9/26/2006 to reach this)

I want to be at my target weight of 230 lbs by July, 2006.

Exercise Plan: (Days, Length of Time, Types of Exercise, alternatives, Etc.)

This will change over time.

Current
3 Days per week weight training, 2 days per week cardio.

My Calorie Range: Current and until I reach ideal weight 1500 – 1900 per day.



My Meal Plan I Intend to use:
I want to eat a balanced diet. Recommended percentages are:
Fat 20-30%, Carbohydrates 50-60%, Protein 10-15%, and Saturated Fats less than 9% I don’t want to eat many carbohydrates so what I want to do is as follows.

Fat 25-35%, Carbohydrates 30-40%, Protein 25-35%


Food Record Maintenance (Method)

I use www.myfooddiary.com


I will cut and paste this on another entry to answer these myself. Not quite ready to do it yet, though.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentire's Day!

Had lunch with my sweetie today---surprised him at work! We're staying in tonight rather than fighting the crowds at restaurants. Al's going to cook his awesome chicken curry.

I was sooo upset at my weigh in this morning--up 8 pounds! Now granted, some of it is TOM water gain, but not all of it! I have really slacked off with my calories and definitely with my exercise. I am getting so sick of this bullshit I do--all this starting and stopping! Why can't I be consistent??

Today has been better. It is 3:30 and I have had 1100 calories and 90 oz of water. I need some strategies to be able to stay on track and quit this losing and gaining the same 10 lbs bullshit I'm doing!

Friday, February 10, 2006

More wisdom from 3FC

Charles78 from Houston, TX posted this on 3FC. Man, it makes so much sense!!


From my group meeting this week we covered what I considered to be a great topic. I thought all of these were great - 3 and 4 really strike me as powerful.

Dr. Matthew Anderson wrote what he calls Six "I don't want to be fat forever" truths:

1. If you stubbornly demand and expect that weight loss and life should be easy, you will consistently fail at weight loss. Why? Life and weight loss are often not easy and there is nothing you can do to change that fact. Long-term weight loss is not for children or sissies. I wish it was but it is not. Get over it and get on with it.

2. If you allow fear to dictate your life choices, you will feel unable to cope with life and will eat to feel better. Then you will get fatter. You must find a way to create courage instead of honoring your fears.

3. If you insist on staying in denial about the real reasons you are overweight, you will stay fat. For example, do you honestly believe you are overweight because you "love food?" If you accept this kind of idea as a legitimate reason, you can expect fat to be your constant companion.

4. If you insist in doing it yourself (weight loss), you can expect failure. We all need support and lots of it. The rule is this: More weight requires more support. Simple and very true.

5. If you think you can be the exception to the rule and lose significant weight without significant inner work and inner healing, you will stay fat. Simple rule: More weight requires more inner work.

6. If you refuse to learn advanced life skills, you will stay fat. We overeat when we feel overwhelmed by life. Increase your life skills and you will eat less. That is the truth. What do I mean by advanced life skills? Here are some examples.


a. Learn to take responsibility for your life situation and problems instead of blaming others.
Become an expert on you and your inner self instead of being an expert on what is wrong with others.

b. Learn to seek and receive appropriate support from others instead of isolating and going it alone.

c. Learn healthy and creative self-expression instead of hiding and suppressing your gifts.

d. Develop effective communication skills for work and relationships.

e. Develop your own personal spiritual values and apply them to all areas of your life.

f. Learn to forgive others and also yourself.

g. Learn to receive at least as well as you give.


Now, I want to respond to (most) of these points:

1. I am guilty of this. I expect this to be so EASY. Most days I think that all I have to do is eat right and that's it. I'm always thinking of exercise as a thing to do "if I have time". I most definitely need to "GET OVER IT!"

2. Fear is a paralyzing feeling. It keeps people from doing things they really want to do. What am I afraid of? What is keeping me from doing this? How can I "create" courage??

3. I think I know why I am fat. I was hurt SO MUCH as a child that I thought I could protect myself with layers of fat--as if it could somehow keep out the pain, when in fact, it was a CAUSE of my pain! Funny thing, the only thing I wasn't afraid of was being on stage performing. Whenever I was up there, I gave it everything I had, whether it was acting, singing or (believe it or not) dancing! (In 2003, I was in a community theatre production of NUNSENSE, and yes, at 340 pounds, I did indeed TAP DANCE!) For some reason, being someone else is very easy.

4. I know for a FACT I can't do this alone! If it weren't for my sweet Alan and my friends at 3FC, I would be having a VERY hard time! Knowing I have people to be accountable to makes a huge difference.

5. This is the one that scares me. I am afraid of the inner work. I do not want to unearth anything that will really hurt me. Sounds wimpy, but it is true. I must hurt REALLY REALLY BADLY to be this fat.

6. After reading this, I can see how much I lack in life skills!!! I'm getting better with A, already do okay with B-E, but F and G need SIGNIFICANT work.

This post is such an eye opener! It has definitely given me lots to think about....

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

And the verdict is....

We are staying in Florida!

Alan's meeting with the owner of the local company was a success. I'm not exactly sure what transpired, but whatever it was, Alan is satisfied with the results, and therefore, wants to stay put.

Now don't think that just because we're not moving away we won't have adventure and excitement in our lives. We have lots of things in the works, now that we know where we will be. We are looking forward to owning our own home by the end of the year. That in itself can be real adventure!

I feel like I can breathe again....I am very relieved to be staying. Alan is too, I think.

Thanks again for everyone's supportive posts.

Monday, February 06, 2006

As you can imagine, the topic of conversation in our little apartment has been "stay or go?" We've looked at it from every angle, made pro and con lists (see below), put all sorts of scenarios before one another. The feeling of the hour: we want to stay here in Florida.

Today Alan approached the owner of the local company where he works with the news he's been offered another position. Because the owner was on his way to meeting with someone else, they tabled the discussion until tomorrow.

The response from the owner is crucial--it will be a deciding factor. If the owner really wants Alan to stay with his company, he will give him the salary that he should have given him in the first place. If he declines, well...there's our answer.

There are other good things about moving to Iowa: the main thing is owning our own home as opposed to throwing money away renting every month. We can get so much more house in Iowa than in Florida, although it is definitely a buyer's market again down here.

I've been asking lots of friends about what they would do if given the chance. Believe it or not, the overwhelming response has been....go.

We should have a clearer picture of things by tomorrow afternoon.

Thanks for all your great advice and support.

Friday, February 03, 2006

BIG Decision to Make

The company where Alan interviewed in Iowa has made an offer: a salary and bonus structure that would keep us comfortable and an extremely generous relocation package.

PROS for accepting the job: good money, nice area (Midwest), scenic in places, within a decent driving distance to my family, comparable to lower cost of living,good career move for OP

CONS for accepting the job: me leaving a job I love, leaving warm year round weather, leaving his family, leaving very dear friends.

I feel so torn about leaving here--it puts knots in my stomach!

What do we do?????