Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Dedication

I have a dear friend named Ken who is very spiritual and insightful. I wrote him a short e-mail chronicling my frustration with staying on plan:

I've been thinking alot about dedication today. I've dedicated myself to getting healthy, to being a good employee, and to being the best partner, friend and lover I can be. My main thought today is the health thing. While I know not everyday can be 100%, some days I don't even reach 50%.

Why is it that dedication is not a lasting thing? Why does our resolve run out, even with the best of intentions?

Your thoughts, please....


This is (in part) what he wrote back:

Jen,

If there is one thing that I've been learning of late is that my Higher Power is exceedingly gentle with me. If that power chooses to treat me so, who am I to treat myself any less?

Dedication is important. Commitment requires that one push their envelope, get out of their comfort zone, become someone they want to be. It's important to have a vision of what that end result will look at -- to build on that vision every day so that it is crystal clear in your mind as already having come to pass for you. That vision, commitment, is what will pull you through the times when you make it harder on yourself than needed...


....Instant forgiveness is an ABSOLUTE MUST. Your past, even just a moment ago, no longer counts. What you do now is what's important. Eventually, you will catch yourself in the act and can gently change your mind. Why is this important? Because you are 100% loved and supported by the Universe all the time for who you are in this moment; a Universe that has followed every word, thought, feeling and deed in your life and knows exactly why you must be who you are right now in this moment (I have a friend named Scott who maintains God has watched every dirty, rotten thing he's ever done and loved him while he was doing it), To not love yourself as much as (god (Good) does is an affront to that Eternal Love (not that you can truly offend Perfect Love).

One day at a time (ODAT) is the recommended pace. One meal at a time. People in OE say what makes the challenge seem so great is that you have to walk the animal three times a day, lol. A better way to look at it is through the commitment/vision you choose. You are a woman of power! You can't ever fail, you can only progress. Everything you need has already been given to you. It's inside you now. You don't have to create it. You have to discover and align yourself with it, trust it, listen to it, do what it suggests even if it suggests you do nothing (which is often hardest). The Truth, in fact, is that you don't even have to. It's completely voluntarily -- you get to choose. You are free! Isn't that marvelous?
And...you can use it for every facet of your life. But begin here, your weight. Prove it through your own experience. God won't be offended if you test him. You don't want to get skinny, after all, you want the experience of being a thinner person. Build your vision and commitment around that. What does that look like to you. It is already yours, guaranteed...


Already mine?? You mean I am already a size 10?? I'm glad someone told me!

Thanks for these words, Ken....

Monday, January 30, 2006

Iowa...Nice place to visit BUT...

Definitely don't want to live there! Not that there is anything wrong with Iowa--it looks like a good, wholesome place to live, but it is so COLD and MISERABLE!

Alan's interview with that company went well...everyone seemed really friendly and easy to work with. WHY did he go on the interview, you may ask, when he already accepted a position with another company? Well, two reasons: one, the trip was already booked and paid for; two, the company he starts with low-balled him on the salary, so he has determined that his job search is not quite over.

I have to admit, the Iowa company really shelled out the bucks to court Alan. I mean, they paid for BOTH of us to fly there (about $600 total), three nights in a three-star hotel ($300), all traveling expenses (parking, meals, other incidentals, about $100), meals at the hotel ($100), and a meal on Friday evening at a nice restaurant (about $250 for six people) for a total of $1250. That may be a drop in the bucket for this company, however.

Diet and excercise wise, we had good days and bad days. Bottom line: I'm up 3 lbs, and so is Alan. I figure with careful eating, lots of water and some good cardio, it will come off in a few days.

I'm really proud of us. We chose to walk places around the city and airport rather than take transportation. We walked the full length of the Atlanta airport, from Concourse A to D on the trip out and reverse on the way back. It was a 20 minute walk each time.

We had some fun while out there. It was a trip of firsts--our first time to be in Iowa, Alan's first hockey game (not so fun--the team got beat pretty badly), my first riverboat casino (LOTS of fun, although I lost $23).

To sum it up: it was a nice getaway that we didn't have to pay for. Alan has yet to be offered the position, so we will see what happens. I doubt seriously he will accept for two reasons: one, they will probably not offer the salary it would take to move out there, and two, it is just TOO FRICKIN' COLD. We are so spoiled living here in Florida!

PS: Alan starts his new position with the local company today. He is there as I write this, in fact!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

He got it!!

Alan got the local position he interviewed for...HOORAY! It is about $12k a year less than what he made before, but it is still a hell of a lot more money than $0!

Alan and his former co-worker are still wanting to start their own company. They placed a bid on a design and build job with a company that likes them and wants them to do it, but has a slow process of giving the green light. Both Alan and Bob have had to take positions with other companies in the meanwhile for income.

The other company said it may be as late as April before they give the green light to them for the project. In the meantime, Alan will give his all to this new position and maybe solicit some smaller designing projects. Since this new company low-balled him salary wise, it won't be as hard to leave once the green light happens for this project.

The best news of all: we don't have to leave Florida!!! With all of Alan's interviews thus far being in colder places like Virginia, Montana and Iowa, this is most welcome! The weather is not the only reason we want to stay. We have several others: we have property in the country near his parents where we want to build a house; his parents are getting on in years (although they are both in good health right now, that could change); and we have lots of friends here. We have our roots TOGETHER here.

In all the excitement I forgot to mention: the scale showed me at 320 today!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Good Luck, Honey!

TODAY's WEIGHT: 322.5

Alan has a lunch meeting with a company that has been courting him awhile. He is expecting them to offer him the position today. Let's hope the offer is a good one!

On my job front, I have been pretty busy this morning. Mark is a great boss--definitely not a micromanager. He knows I know my job and lets me do it. Today he threw five little tasks at me at once to do before he headed out the door to see a client. I was able to take care of all of his requests in about 15 minutes. Just call me WONDER ADMIN!! Mark has praised me in front of customers, which is always a great thing. (Actually, praise of any kind is great!)

I'm on plan so far today, with food and water. Not sure that I will get to work out at home today. We have company coming for dinner and to spend the night. They are friends of ours that want to relocate here and are going to job interviews and to see realtors. It will be great to have them here! Linda is a nurse, and has an interview with one of the local hospitals. Ken is a songwriter, and he's bringing his guitar so we can sing songs together all night. How fun will that be!

Monday, January 23, 2006

WILLPOWER

There's a great thread on 3 Fat Chicks about willpower. http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73855

Charles78 (who has lost 274 lbs) wrote the following:

I really know how you feel. When I was dealing with this myself, I heard a lot of things that really helped me adjust my thinking. Here are a few of the things that struck me the most.

Using willpower to make a lifestyle change is using a short term solution on a long term problem. If someone gave you a task of holding a bucket full of sand 18" off the floor, you could pick it up and use your "willpower" to keep holding it up. No matter how much "willpower" you have, no matter how determined you are... you will drop that bucket at some point. You need to find what can work for you long term. You don't need willpower for that. What you need is willingness. A willingness to change. A willingness to keep trying - knowing that you will never be perfect. A willingness to take it one day, one meal at a time. A willingness to aim for progress, never for perfection. As someone touched on above, you need to work on doing the right things more often than you do what is not healthy for you.

If you fall back into your old patterns, don't apply black and white thinking to it. It is not pass - fail. When you eat healthy make sure you write down how you were feeling what was going on and reward yourself for it. Use positive self talk to congratulate yourself. When you make unhealthy choices - don't let your mind tell you well I messed up today - I will start back tomorrow. There is no tomorrow - only today. Each meal, everything you eat you have a choice. You have the power within you to make those choices that you need to make to reach your goal.

When I make unhealthy choices, I try and write down not only what was going on - but I make myself come up with 5 things I could have done to avoid making that poor choice. I own up to my actions then I let it go and move on. Beating yourself up only reinforces a negative self image. I am the king of this one. It has been the hardest thing for me to change and I still struggle with it.

You can do it. You will reach your goals. I know you will. You need to know that you will too. I know it is hard. God, do I ever - change is never easy. It takes us out of our comfort zone. You can do it.


I LOVE reading the stuff he writes. He's been where I am...and he KNOWS what I and so many other obese people face every day.

Thanks for this, Charles!!

I'm FIRED up!!

I woke up feeling better than I had all week! I am determined to make this a GOOD day on plan! I've already had my Kashi Go Lean Instant Hot Cereal with a banana, and I have my snacks and lunch planned out. The only thing I don't have planned is dinner. I will probably make it simple, like a big salad with a chicken breast or something like that.

Side note: If anyone who reads my blog wants to chat via Yahoo IM, my ID is jen41565. I'm usually on sometime in the evenings during the week and off and on during the weekends.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Getting back to normal...Finally!

Day 8 of my cycle, and it's finally going away. I haven't weighed in a couple of days to see what the damage is....hopefully it is minimal.

Spent today just relaxing with Alan. Basically I haven't gotten out of my bathrobe, except to take a shower.

We've heard news about Alan's son. He is doing well at boot camp. Alan hasn't heard from him directly--just form letters letting him know what his contact information is. Recruits cannot communicate directly with anyone on the outside for the first few weeks. We're going to write him a letter and send it off tonight.

Friday, January 20, 2006

What a long strange trip....

I am still feeling very crampy today. I took a pain pill about 12:30 or so and BOY, do I feel loopy! Good thing all my work is done here at the office, and all I have to do is cruise until 5:30.

I need to find a natural remedy for my pain, because I do not want to take any pain meds if I can help it. I wonder if there is an herbal supplement or tea that would work?

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I spoke too soon....

Not less than two hours after my last post, I started getting the worst cramps and nausea!! I went home from work at 10:45 this morning, came straight home and took a pain pill and laid down. I've been dozing on and off most of the afternoon. Alan has been great, getting me whatever I asked for (including some silence). He's wonderful--I am extremely lucky.


Speaking of Alan--his interview today went very well. He feels certain he will get an offer. Hopefully it will be an offer he will want to accept.

Much improved!

I'm feeling much better today. I definitely want to work out tonight after work. Believe it or not....I missed my workouts! I had gotten so used to them, and will be glad to get back to it.

Alan has a second interview with a company locally. Hopefully they will see what an asset he would be and hire him today! That would help get the ball rolling. In the meanwhile, we are flying together to Moline, Illinois for an interview. The interviewing company is paying for me to come out as well, plus putting us up in a three-star hotel for three nights over the weekend. It will be a nice little getaway. It will be COLDER than what we are used to! I'm not even sure where my winter coat IS, much less if it will still fit!

Speaking of fit, another one of my fears comes into play--flying. Not because I am afraid of heights or that we will crash, but I am afraid of NOT fitting in the seat. Luckily, I'm sitting with Alan,and we can push up the arm in between us.

Alan and I are planning a trip to England for his 50th birthday in late October/Early November. I DEFINITELY do not want to have to worry about fitting in the seat then! I want to be more comfortable when we have to be in a plane for 9 hours.

I want to get below 300 SO badly!! I remember what I felt like, and want to get back there again.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Still in hell....

I went home from the office yesterday at noon with the worst cramps I've had in a long time. It takes alot to sideline me from work, and this was bad enough to do it. So I went home, took a leftover darvocet and put on the heating pad. I took advantage of sitting still and watched all my TiVo'd programs I had been saving for awhile.

I did pretty lousy on my eating yesterday. I really wasn't hungry at all, but was DYING for chocolate. So, when I bought a new supply of pads at Walgreens, I also bought a small bag of Dove chocolate (the best chocolate in the WORLD!) Needless to say, the whole bag disappeared.

Oh well, that was yesterday....today is a new day.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Ugh....Monday.....

Had a fun weekend with friends (fun that is, until my period started and the cramps from hell arrived). This is only day 2 and I feel sooooooo bloated! I went from 322 on Friday to 325 this morning. I so wanted to stay home this morning, but Mondays are the worst day to leave my co-worker in the lurch to cover. So....here I am, pain meds and all. Maybe I'll head home early after the Monday stuff gets done. We'll see....

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Stress....

...I've got it. In spades.

First, work: Marnita is gone for a few hours to a training class, the phones are going crazy, and everyone on the other end of the phone is an idiot (probably not really, but sure feels like they are!). I can feel myself being short tempered, and it is taking everything I've got to not reach through the phone line and CHOKE the crap out of these folks!

Second, Alan: He is trying so hard to find work, but so far, all the doors keep getting closed in his face. He's not run out of opportunities yet, but so far nothing has panned out. It's not his fault--he's not sitting home all day surfing porn or anything. He is being as productive as he can be. I guess I am not used to this. Greg (my first husband) worked for the same company nearly the whole time we were married, and is still there. I have not had to deal with my significant other being out of work.

And it's not just our household that is affected by this. Alan pays spousal support and still co-owns the house his son's mother lives in. She doesn't work, so there is no income from her. Alan's savings will soon be running out. He is receiving unemployment (a measley $275 a week), but that's it.

I've been doing some figuring. I can support Alan and me on my income for awhile, but not indefinitely. I know Alan is doing his best, and I know he will be working again soon. I know that he will do his very best for all involved. (Alan, I know you read this--just know I love you very much and I have faith in you!)

Amid all of this, I just want to stuff my face. I am trying to find other ways to cope (like writing this blog entry). But the urge to go overdose on a bag of Dove chocolate is very strong! Luckily for me I can't leave the office today, or else I'd be up the street to Walgreens making my purchase!

I just had to get this out--thank God for this blog!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I'm The Biggest Loser!!

I'm doing a challenge at SparkPeople. They have several teams of different colors that are doing a weight loss challenge a la "The Biggest Loser". I'm on the Blue Crew, and this past week I was the biggest loser on the team, and was tied for 2nd place for Biggest Loser overall!

Here's the link: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/messageboard.asp

Don't panic....

No need to panic...the scale was up 1.5 lbs this morning. I know this is all part of the body fluctuating and re-distributing, so I'm not to concerned.

I have worked out nine days of the last 10, which is a MAJOR accomplishment for me! I will continue the six days a week for at least as long as I am doing the Biggest Loser DVD.

I'm not sure what is different this time around with losing weight. Hang on a minute--I do know: It's because Alan is participating as well. Makes a BIG difference! We are supporting each other through this, even though his journey is shorter than mine. I'm very lucky to have him!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Endurance

I got a kids meal at Subway today (turkey on a deli bun with lots of veg, bag of Baked Lays and a drink). It included a toy--one of those rubber bracelets like Lance Armstrong wears. This one is purple and says ENDURANCE.

A coincidence? I think not!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

A Great On-Plan Weekend!!

Was able to control calorie intake -- around 1700 both days, and no alcohol. Yesterday I worked out and today I did laundry, so I've had activity all weekend as well.

Alan's son left for the Marines today. Needless to say it was a bit emotional. I won't be attending his graduation in three months at his son's request. His mother doesn't like me much (go figure!), and he doesn't want her to be upset by my presence there. I respect his request, but feel very much like an outsider because of it. I guess it's "second wives (or girlfriends) syndrome".

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Did She or Didn't She??

She did.....last night AND today!

I sucked it up and worked out both days (and yes Beverly, it WAS worth it!). I do feel so much better when I work out. So officially, I have worked out for six days in a row! I think I might try for seven!! :)

The scale gods have smiled upon me also...another two pounds gone!

We're headed out to have dinner with friends. I feel confident Alan and I will make good choices tonight. I have about 1000 calories to play with for dinner.

Thanks to you all for supporting me during my evening of doubt last night!

Friday, January 06, 2006

"Screw it!!"

As the day goes on, I find myself wanting to say "screw it!" to working out tonight. But I CAN'T! I have to do this. I made a promise to myself that I would not wimp out every time I don't want to do something.

Give me strength!!

Week 1 Results

Starting weight 12/30/05: 326
Today's weight: 324.5
Net loss: 1.5 lbs

What these results DON'T show is that I am down 5 lbs from the highest weight on Monday 1/2, which was 329.5. The festivities of New Year's Eve weekend brought on three extra pounds.

This is not exactly the numbers I wanted to see. Had I officially started AFTER the New Year (like the rest of the world!) it would be a different story. Oh well, can't lament on what could have been....

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

New Year's Eve Pics

Here's a pic of Alan and me on New Year's Eve....



We had a blast going out with our friends...we ended up at the local Econo Lodge that has a big bar/restaurant. It was a $35 cover, with all you can drink and hot and cold appetizers. Needless to say, I drank my $35 worth! We stayed the night at our friends house and went home the following afternoon.
Here's a pic of our friend's dog, Peppa....
Isn't she adorable? She's wearing a collar that looks like a bow tie! She's one spoiled pooch!

Thanks for reading!!

Just wanted to say THANKS to everyone who reads my ramblings. It is great to get feedback from you.

A special note to Dawnyal--we WILL succeed, girlfriend! There will be days that will be easier than others. If we are prepared for the bad days, there's no way we can fail!! I'm going to be there giving you the encouragement you need.

I've starting to feel lighter and stronger--amazing after only being on plan for a few days! It can only get better!!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Worth Repeating....

I found this quote on SparkPeople by Coach_Dean:

"If the problem isn't hunger, then food isn't the solution."

I'm 100% on Plan!!!

Okay, I know it's only January 3, but for the last two days I have been on plan with everything--calories, water, and exercise! I wanted the opportunity to say that at least once in my life.

I received The Biggest Loser Workout DVD for Christmas and used it for the first time yesterday. I definitely felt like I had worked out! It is a great DVD--you can follow their 6-week program, or create your own using the routines on the DVD. Very flexible! I'm doing the 6 week program to start with. Can't wait to see the results!

It is very helpful having Alan on board with me getting healthy. He posted on 3FC in the 100 lb club (even though he doesn't have 100 lbs to lose, he knows I hang out there). He is enjoying using SparkPeople as well. It is SUCH a great program to track food and exercise! It's amazing that it is totally free.

I am feeling so good about this year. I know alot of things in my life will happen this year--both of us will drop pounds and inches, Alan will be working again soon, and our house will hopefully get underway very soon!

Life IS good!