I'm not doing very good...

...at posting regularly. I guess because there's really nothing exciting going on. Everyone's on the mend, work's fine, relationship is fine...just nothing exciting to report.

Well maybe this might fall under that category: We're headed to Indianapolis in about 10 days or so to see the Formula One race and to visit my family and some friends. I haven't been back in a year. I think I look different than when I went out last year. I know I'm thinner looking, and my hair is longer. I do need to get another color job--maybe this weekend. Gotta hide the gray!

I dunno, I'm not really thrilled about going back to visit family. For me it stirs up too much crap from the past that I would rather forget. But, they ARE family, after all.....and I guess I should put in an appearance.

I guess I need to figure out a way to get more excited......

Since our last episode....

We've had an illness and a death. I'll get to the death in a sec.

The illness was mine. And there were points where I felt like dying, let me tell ya! Sunday night I started feeling like I couldnt get warm. I was wearing long pants and sleeves in JUNE in FLORIDA. We went to bed early, like 9 pm. I woke up the next morning with the rawest sore throat I've had in ages, plus more chills and a low grade fever. Since it was payroll day at work, I went in so my co-worker didnt have to do her job and mine on such a busy day of the week. She took one look at me and sent me home. I stayed about an hour first though, to do a couple of my daily reports.

Afterwards, I went to the doctor. Since we go to a walk-in clinic, it is a first come first served thing. After waiting in the waiting room for 2 1/2 hours, I finally saw the doctor. He was concerned that my throat was so swollen I couldnt swallow or breathe very well. He sent me immediately to an ENT specialist. Turns out I had a very severe case of pharyngitis. I'm currently on antibiotics and steroids and feeling much much better. I've gone back to the gym the last two days, although not at full steam. One of the "gifts" this little illness gave me was enough of a loss to get below 300 lbs.

Now, to the death: Ken and Linda, the friends that are letting us stay with them, have five dogs, one of them being an Australian Shepherd. Because they don;t have their fence up yet, Jack needed to be put on a lead attached to his collar that was around his neck. Earlier this week, he took off while on his lead to chase something and SNAPPED his collar right off. It really dazed him, but he didnt act much different after that. But as the days went on, he started losing his motor function. They took him to the vet who suggested a steroid regiment for a few days to get the swelling in his back down. Meanwhile, his bladder and bowels weren't functioning so great, especially his bowels. This morning they finally did work, but there was so much blood in it. He was bleeding internally. Our friends had no choice but to say their final goodbyes and let him go. Before I left for work this morning, I spent a few minutes sitting with him and petting him and talking to him.

Jack was a great dog. He was like the sentinel of the pack--always watching the windows and barking at anything and everything that moved. He had established himself as the alpha male long ago. He was the only purebred dog in the lot--everyone else is a mix of various things. I'm sure the others will seem all out of sorts for a while. Our house will never be the same.

We'll miss you, Jackson....

Kinda hard to post an update

when the damn site is down!!

Anyway, good news! My biopsy results came back NORMAL! Yay--another crisis averted! Now all I have to do is wait until the next round of testing in October.

Here's a site that has lots of info about the connection between HPV and cervical cancer:

http://www.maketheconnection.org/

I hope that all the females that read this will schedule their yearly exam with their obgyn if they haven't already done so! I know it's embarrassing and uncomfortable, but those 30 seconds of your feet in the stirrups can possibly save your life.

Third time's a charm, I reckon....

Today I go to the gynecologist for my third colposcopy. I've been having abnormal paps for the last three years or so off and on. I'm in a high risk group to develop cervical cancer. The last pap wasn't too great--in fact it was a low grade dysplasia, which on a four point scale (four being cancer) is a two. The colposcopy will give the doc a better look and an opportunity to take a biopsy of any cells that don't look good. The next step is dependant on what they find in the biopsy.

It's not a terribly painful procedure, but it is pretty uncomfortable--bad enough to take some pain reliever and need rest. I'm taking today off from the gym, but plan to be back at it tomorrow as usual.

I'm a little more nervous this time--I guess because it is a little worse than the last time they did a biopsy. Sometimes I just wish the doc would do a hysterectomy and get it over with, so I won't have to go through this anymore.

NSV

It feels good to get back on track again. I've been 100% on plan today and went to the gym for an hour. I'll be going again tomorrow for a more extended workout.

My NSV: I'm wearing a pair of jeans that I hadn't been able to wear for a long time!!

TIA

In this case, it does NOT stand for "thanks in advance."

On Tuesday the 30th, Alan e-mailed me at work with "the left side of my face feels numb, so does my arm and leg. What do you think it is?" Um...a STROKE, maybe??? This was about 2 pm, and I urged him to go to the ER, but he said he'd wait until I got off work at 5:30 to see if he should still go. He also asked the advice of our housemate Linda, who is a nurse. She said most definitely to GO!

So, for the last 48 hours or so, it has been a wild ride. We spent about six hours in the ER while they determined if he did, indeed have a stroke. It was determined that he had a TIA (transient ischemic attack). You can read more about it here: http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=4781

As it turns out, a TIA is like a "warning" sign of a possible stroke. The neurologist wanted to perform lots of tests on Alan because he was pretty young to have a TIA (he's only 49) and only has one of the risks (he's overweight). So....the last 48 hrs have been filled with lots of blood draws, CT scans, MRI, MRA, EKG, ultrasound of his corrotid arteries, x-rays, and more. The results? All tests are normal, and the MRI confirmed that he indeed did not have a "real" stroke (means no damage was done).

Alan was told things need to change for him--he's now on aspirin therapy, a low-fat diet and an exercise program. The diet part is not bad, since I've been watching my fat intake, but the exercise is definitely lacking. I'm hoping he will get more into our ballroom dancing now that he needs the exercise. The nurse who was educating him on strokes really thought dancing was a great form of exercise.

I'm on my way to pick him up. It will be so great to be back in our own bed together! I've been staying with him at the hospital at night. Can you picture the two of us all snuggled up in his hospital bed together? It was cute, but after awhile became uncomfy. There was a recliner in his room that wasn't very comfy either. Not to mention the fact that we were awakened ever 2-3 hrs for vital signs! Anyone who has ever stayed in a hosptial overnight knows that it is NOT the place to get real rest!!

Something else: Going through a health scare with a loved one really reinforces what you have together...this has definitely made me appreciate Alan even more. I can't imagine my life without him!

No catchy title today...

Not feeling all that great. I'm on Day 2 of my period and, as is customary, having a rough one. If I can get through tonight and tomorrow, it will be smooth sailing.

Despite feeling like crap, I went to the gym and did the circuit and elliptical. The old Jen would have used TOM as an excuse to not go. But I made a commitment to myself to go five days a week no matter what. Sooo.....that is what I shall do!

Equality--some food for thought.

I'm not a political person really...but this subject is near and dear to my heart.

Imagine living with your partner for many years. And, as couples do, you have joint assets together: a home, cars, bank accounts, even children. Now imagine that your partner dies, and one of his/her relatives decides that YOU have no claim on anything that ever belonged to him. The relative takes posession of the assets, and possibly even the children.

Gay and lesbian couples go through this every day. Because same sex marriage is illegal, they are not allowed the same rights as opposite sex couples, including healthcare benefits.

The Federal Marriage Amendment (FMA) vote is coming up soon, which, if passed, will keep same sex couples legally apart. This is discrimination at its worst.

I have many gay and lesbian friends in loving, committed relationships that deserve the same benefits that I will have when I marry Alan. I want to do my part to help them.

Here is a video clip: http://www.hrc.org/voteno/voteno/video.htm


Just wanted to give you some food for thought.

Getting closer.....

The scale said 304 this morning...getting closer to Two-ville all the time! It may not be this week, or even next....but it is close!

My left knee is hurting. I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical (up from the measly 3 minutes about a month ago--GO ME!) and I think it might have caused my hurt. Hopefully it will work itself out soon....

I feel complete again....

...now that Alan is home! It was the best feeling in the world having him back home and in my arms again. Poor thing is fighting a cold. I told him there were more suitable souveniers from England that he could have brought back! :) He did bring back script books for three of our favorite British TV shows: Little Britain, The Office, and Footballers Wives.

Because I ended up having to pick Alan up at the airport, my eating schedule got off. When we came home for dinner, I ate way more than I should have, and the scale showed it--up 2 lbs. No worries--I will get it off with lots of water today! I am on my fourth bottle.

Today's workout was good. I walked for 20 minutes at 2.3 mph (about a 26 minute mile) at 8.0 incline. After that, I hit the punching bag for 10 minutes or so, did some stretching and worked on my abs. I really had a good sweat going on!

Workout 5/9

Circuit--20 minutes
Elliptical--6 MINUTES (one minute more than last week--felt like TORTURE! but I didn't give up!)
150 crunches on stability ball
stretching--5 minutes

Just for grins, I tested my body fat with the analyzer the gym owns. I am at 48.8%, which is about 2% lower than when I started! My BMI is already lower by 2 points as well!

Just goes to show this healthy living stuff WORKS!!

ALAN UPDATE: His plane is due to land in about 45 minutes!!

in 5 1/2 hours....

...my love's plane will land. Alan has been gone two weeks, but it seems like an eternity! Time did not pass quickly like I had hoped it would.

I'm particulary upset this morning that I missed his call before getting on the plane. He was boarding at 10 am local time, which is 5 am here. He called me four times, but my stupid cell phone never rang! He left me four messages, with the fourth one expressing deep disappointment that he didn't get to talk to me. I feel like I let him down! Anyway, I must get over it.

Once he lands, a co-worker will pick him up and take him back to his office where his car is. He'll check in briefly with his boss, then put his bags in his car and drive over to my work, where I will give him the world's biggest hug!!!

We've definitely decided that never again will we be apart for that long. If another trip like this comes up, I'm going with him. Work will have to wait. I know what's more important.

Getting Back to Normal

I took the weekend off from the gym. My muscles feel better now, and I will resume my five day a week schedule. I plan to only strength train 3 of the 5 days to give my muscles a chance to heal. I'll do cardio all five days.

I did get some exercise this weekend, through going ballroom dancing on Saturday night and cleaning house on Sunday. I really love dancing! I've thought in the past I was too fat to do any coordinated dancing like that, although I have done dancing in musicals I've been in (I was a tap-dancing nun at 340 pounds!) and went through a country line dancing phase in the 90's. As I am getting more in shape, I'm finding more confidence in my body.

My eating plan was a little off, and the scale showed it. I had gotten down to 303.5, but weigh in this morning was at 306. I know it is all water, so I'm not bothered. Hopefully I will see the 2's by this weekend! In the meanwhile, it's lots and lots of water for me!

On a higher note: ALAN is coming home TOMORROW!! I will be sooooo happy to see him! I have been absolutely miserable without him. It is extremely lonely to sleep alone at night. I've definitely decided--next time he has to go overseas, I am definitely going with him! Both of us hate all this separation!

Happy Cinco deMayo!

Headed out to karaoke later with Ken, Cheryl and Dale--should be a blast! I think I'll have a margarita in honor of the holiday!

Today's workout was light--20 minutes on the treadmill at 2.5 mph at a 7.0 incline, followed by 10 minutes of rebounding and stretching. I'm taking Saturday and Sunday off from the gym to continue to let my muscles heal.

Workout 5/4

Oops! Looks like I missed 5/3 too!

circuit workout, 5 min elliptical, 10 min treadmill on 6.0 incline at 2.3 mph, 100 crunches, stretching

5/4: 20 minute treadmill, 10 minutes rebounding, 100 crunches, stretching

I am really sore, especially my left shoulder and neck. My legs hurt as well. Today was my fifth day in a row to work out. Am I doing too much??

Workout 5/2

Weight today: 305

Treadmill: 20 minutes at 2.5 mph with a 6.0 incline
Crunches: 100 (4 sets of 25, plus 20 on the 45 degree angle one
Exercise ball: 10 minutes of jumping
Stretching: 5 minutes

Workout 5/1/06

Cirucuit at Slim and Tone: 20 minutes (10 cardio stations, 10 machines)
Treadmill: 15 minutes at 2.5 mph on a 6.0 incline (about 1600 steps)
Ab crunches on exercise ball: 50
Ab crunches on other apparatus (I don't know what it's called, it's the one that puts you at a 45 degree angle from the floor): 25
Stretching: 10 minutes

Loneliness

It's been three days since I have seen Alan, and I feel so LONELY. Even though I am living in a home with two good friends who love me,it's not the same as a life partner. I think I am one of those people who is not meant to be alone. And Alan feels the same. He has been able to call me from England (his cell works there--YAY!!), and he says while it is great being there and seeing his friends and going to his favorite pubs, it is lonely without me. When we were in England last year at this time, he had an absolute blast showing me around and pointing out places and things that he had told me about.

I am ABSOLUTELY miserable without him. For me this is proof that we are meant to be together. Can I last nine more days?

On the weight loss front, I weighed in today at 307.5 lbs. I had weighed in as low as 305.5, but put on a couple of pounds of water by eating some salty sauerkraut with my lean pork steak last night. It will be off in a day or two.

I forgot my bag of gym clothes at home. To my surprise, I was DISAPPOINTED!! I could have easily used this as an excuse to not work out, but instead I called my housemate Linda and asked her to bring it to me! (It helps that the house is only a couple of miles away from the office!) I am enjoying working out so much that the thought of missing a day bummed me out! This might be the start of a whole new lifestyle!

Is it ever really "over"?

Is the weight loss journey ever really "over"? Is my goal weight really the end, or is it just the beginning?

I look at my obesity as an illness that I can "control" but will never be "cured" of. I will have to think about what I eat every single day of my life. My attitude about food HAS to change.

Tonight will be spent doing Alan's laundry and packing for the trip. I'm missing him already.....:(

Feeling good!

Okay, prepare yourselves....you may NEVER hear me say it again...

I am really liking working out.

I am enjoying my time in the gym. I didn't get to go on Monday and Tuesday because we were down to one car. Now that Alan's son has left to continue his military training, we have Alan's car back now. I'm planning to go daily through the week from 12-1 and mornings on the weekends.

Today I spent 25 minutes on the treadmill at 2.7 mph, with an incline of 3.5. I was really feeling it in my legs, and my heart was really pumping! Then I worked on my abs for 20 minutes, and spent 10-15 minutes stretching. I am feeling pretty good!

On Friday I'll finally meet Lisa, the friend from 3FC who told me about Slim and Tone. We've been chatting for a couple of weeks, and it will be good to put a name and a face together!

On the homefront: Alan leaves for a business trip to Ireland on Friday (28th) and will return on May 9th. He'll get to spend a few days on the front part and back part of the trip in England, where he will get to see his football team play. He's very excited about going, but says he is pretty depressed that I can't go too. It's just too short notice, plus the $980 plane ticket is out of our reach right now. So...I'll just stay home and do my thing. Luckily, I won't be totally alone, since we have moved in with our friends. I'll definitely miss Alan, though.....alot. I'm sure I'll be emotional from time to time. This is the longest we have been apart since we moved in together. Looks like I may have to get used to him traveling more than his last job. NOT what I wanted to hear........

In Control...

Lots of things going on the last few days. Here's a rundown:

--I joined the fitness club I tried out the other day. I went both Saturday and Sunday for extended workouts. I am sure feeling it in my muscles! I did the circuit, which includes 10 machines and 10 cardio stations. Then I hit the treadmill for 20 minutes, then did a 10 minute stretching session. I felt really good after doing it.

--We moved most of our essentials to Ken and Linda's house. We have a very nice room with lots of closet space and a nice bathroom. We are on one wing of the house and they are on the other. Right now we are working out household chores and meal schedules. We are so grateful to them for allowing us to be with them for a little while. We're enjoying their five dogs as well! Each of them have a distinctive personality and role in the pack.

--I am still packing up the rest of the apartment to take to storage. My computer will be moved tonight, along with Alan's work desk. The bedroom is big enough that we can have two work areas--one for Alan and one for me.

I've had a great on-plan weekend! I'm going to continue the streak!

Tried a new fitness club today...

There is a chain of fitness clubs called Slim and Tone. At first glance I thought "this is just like Curves". But once I went in there and did a workout, I thought "this is Curves on steroids!"

While Curves only has a walking/jogging board in between their machines, S&T has fun things, like steps, a thing for kickboxing, hand weights, that half a ball thingy on the floor (don't know what it's called), stability balls, stretch bands, etc. The club I went to also has an elliptical, a treadmill and a Gazelle. There are also other fun things there too, like stability balls, hoola hoops, boxing gloves, ab machines and other stuff. I definitely felt like I got a good workout.

I went during the lunch hour and believe it or not, I virtually had the whole place to myself. I had the instructor's attention one on one.

The cost to join is normally $74, but they are running a half off special. Monthly fees are $34 a month if you sign a year contract, or $44 for a month to month commitment.

The owners are a mother/daughter team. Both are very nice and helpful. I especially like the fact that the club has hours I can work around, including Saturday and Sunday mornings.

I have a week's free trial. I'm going to go as much as I can before I put my money down.

Google "Slim and Tone" for a link to it.

Interest and Commitment

This quote was on the Liquid Diet Discussion Board:

There's a difference between interest and commitment.
When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit.
When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results." Art Turock

False starts

Seems like that's all I've done the last month. The latest excuse--my birthday was this past Saturday. So of course, in true addict fashion, I decided that "Hey, it's MY birthday, and I don't want to be on no dang diet!" So Friday night it was apple martinis and cheeseburgers, Saturday it was a BBQ with more alcohol and lots of junk food. And of course, there was the better part of a triple chocolate birthday cake in there as well. The result: a five pound gain.

So WHY do I think that just because it's the anniversary of my birth, that all bets are off as far as my eating goes? Why am I having problems keeping my commitment to MYSELF? I have no problem keeping my word to others....why do I choose to value myself less than anyone??

So NOW.....what will I do about it?

1. Stick to the plan
2. Stick to the plan
3. Stick to the plan

The plan:
--following the New Lifestyle program to the letter
--drinking a minimum of 64 oz of water
--moving my body daily in some form or another

I am checking out the Slim and Tone club down the street from the office here. I want to see if it will be worth my $44 a month. From the looks of it, it will be.

www.slimandtonepalmbay.com

See what you think.....

Note to self....

DO NOT GO TO A BUFFET WHEN YOU ARE DIETING!!

Monday night Alan, Lin and I went to a buffet, kind of like a Golden Corral except locally owned. I started out well, only eating things on plan. But then I started getting a taste of this and a dab of that. Before long, I had five different desserts on my plate! I have zero self control when it comes to places like that. And have you noticed the enormous amount of obese people at buffets? I never really noticed it before. (I guess it's because I have always been one of them.

There IS a victory to report, however....last night with Ken and Linda suggested a Chinese buffet. Alan helped me stay on plan by suggesting a different place, since I have trouble with buffets. They were both very understanding (as they always are!), and we decided to go to Applebees instead, where I had a 6 oz steak and broiled shrimp with steamed veggies. It felt SO GOOD to be in control!!

He'll be home soon!

Alan has been away for the last two days in South Carolina for Jamie's military graduation. We've spoken on the phone quite a bit. He's had a great time visiting his son and taking photos of the base. But I sure have missed him! So glad he will be home very soon!

I spent $180 at Lane Bryant on new bras (that actually FIT and look good!), panties and a cute new top. I hadn't really intended to spend that much, but what the hell! I hardly ever spend like that!

I was measured for my bras last night. Imagine my shock when I found out that my bra size is NOT 44C like I thought, but a 44DD!! Who'd a thought!!!

Lightbulb Moment!!

This was a post on www.liquiddietdiscussion.com :

I read something interesting the other day in one of the several Fitness magazines I've buried myself in since starting this "lifestyle." It said to think of food as fuel. I've heard this many times before but never with the analogy that followed. It said when you put gas in your vehicle you stop when the tank is full. You don't keep pumping gas because more gas is available so why would you contunue eating because more food was available?

Man, this makes so much sense! Why keep stuffing your "tank" when you are on FULL?

Some benchmarks......

Today's weight: 311.5

I've been thinking about some of the benchmarks I will cross on this weight loss journey. I'll list them here:

Starting weight (my highest back in 2003): 340
25 lb mark: 315 (achieved!)
50 lb mark: 290
75 lb mark: 265
100lb mark: 240
125lb mark: 215
150lb mark: 190
160lb mark: 180

25% to goal: 300
50% to goal: 260
75% to goal: 220
GOAL: 180

I'm thinking I should maybe set a reward for each of these benchmarks (a non-food reward, obviously!) Would love some suggestions from my loyal readers! (If anyone is still reading this, that is! LOL)

Good Words

Today's weight: 310.5

My dear friend Ken sent this to me today. Some I had heard before--some were new--all were relevant and timely. Thanks Ken....


GOOD WORDS
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
-- Gandhi
Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.
-- Lao Tzu
Instruction does much, but encouragement does everything.
-- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
The result of prayer is life. Prayer irrigates the earth and heart.
-- Saint Francis of Assisi
Prayer is constructive because it enables us to establish closer contact with the Fountain of Wisdom, and we are less likely to be influenced by the appearances around us.
-- Ernest Holmes
Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate.
-- Albert Schweitzer
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The door of the soul opens inward...turn the handle, walk out and be free.
-- Emmet Fox

If you love, you can never be a failure.
-- Bernie Siegel, M.D.
The beauty of being an adult is that you can actually move in the direction your imagination takes you. You are not limited to 'only make believe'. You can harness your creative power and make it work for you.
-- Jane Claypool
Appreciation, gratitude and thanksgiving -- the motive power which attracts and magnifies the hidden potentialities of life.
-- Ernest Holmes
When we walk to the end of all the light we have, and take a step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe one of two things will happen: that we will land on something solid, or we will learn to fly.
-- Author Unknown
But the person who goes deeply into his or her own nature will find that God speaks in a universal language of emotion, sense, feeling, intuition and instinct.
-- Ernest Holmes
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing -- that's why we recommend it daily.
-- Zig Ziglar
Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
-- Mark Twain
Have you had a kindness shown? Pass it on! 'Twas not given for thee alone, Pass it on! Let it travel down the years, Let it wipe another's tears, Till in Heaven the deed appears, Pass it on!
-- Henry Burton


I expect to pass through the world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer it, for I shall not pass this way again.
-- Stephen Grellet
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.
-- Diane Ackerman
You cannot afford to be planting bad seeds -- thoughts of negation, worries, fears, angers, hates, resentments. Such seeds will grow just as rapidly as the good seeds and will bring forth a crop as sure and abundant.
-- Ernest Holmes
Living by inspiration does not mean living chaotically. Our whole purpose is to make the intellect an instrument for he Spirit. This is exactly what an artist does. We must all become artists in living.
-- Ernest Holmes
Born into time but drawn from timeless space, Thou hast on earth a moments dwelling place, Entombed in matter; yet now aware of soul, Thou shalt take wing, let heaven be thy goal.
-- Ernest Holmes
The essence of love, while elusive, pervades everything, fires the heart, stimulates the emotions, renews the soul, and proclaims the Spirit.
-- Ernest Holmes
Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest sense, something helpless that wants our love.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
-- Edith Wharton
Destiny in not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
-- William Jennings Bryan
Appreciation, gratitude, and thanksgiving -- the motive power [that] attracts and magnifies the hidden potentialities of life.
-- Ernest Holmes
If it is God's good pleasure to give us the kingdom then it needs to be our pleasure to accept it.
-- Ernest Holmes
May it be a year of greatest communion with Thee, the Giver of all gifts.
-- Yogananda
We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and it's only end.
-- Benjamin Desraeli
We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other.
-- Luciano De Crescenzo
Sometimes our only available transportation is a leap of faith.
-- Rev. Margaret Shepherd
Some day we shall learn to lay our burdens on the altar of Love, that they may be consumed by the fire of faith in the Living Spirit.
-- Ernest Holmes
If one wishes to be a lover he must start by saying YES to love.
-- Leo Buscaglia
Love alone overcomes all and justifies the eternity of her dominion.
-- Ernest Holmes
Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists. Therein lies the peace of God.
-- A Course in Miracles
You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are the deepest level.
-- Eckhart Tolle
True prayer is just a continued recognition and thanksgiving that all is good.
-- H. Emilie Cady
There is that within us which longs to know how we "fit" in the scheme of things. It is through true prayer and openness that we find what we seek.
-- Margaret Stortz
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
-- Marianne Williamson
My power is from On High, it cannot be taken from me: It will not leave me desolate.
-- Ernest Holmes
It is your mind. It is the gift of God in you. It contains the potentials of a full life and an expanding experience. Herein is your uniqueness, your individuality, your ability to be you-the you that you can be.
-- Raymond Charles Barker
Spiritual identity is here, in the way we walk on earth, the way we see our life, the way we care for ourselves and for others.
-- Wayne Muller
Prayer is the contemplation of the facts from the highest point of view.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
As we seek to express God's highest vision for us, we must bring the best of ourselves to the alter of life.
-- Cynthia Cavalcanti
You can never solve a problem at the level of consciousness which created it.
-- Albert Einstein
...Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.
-- Romans 12:2
Loving oneself is no easy matter just because it means loving all of oneself, including the shadow where one is inferior and socially so unacceptable. The care one gives this humiliating part is also the cure.
-- James Hilman
Self-awareness -- ongoing attention to one's internal states.
-- Daniel Goleman
Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we turn into.
-- Wayne Dyer
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
-- Stanislaw J. Lec
You have your paint brush and colors. Paint paradise, and in you go.
-- Nikos Kazantzakis
We are not creatures of circumstance; we are creators of circumstance.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

Day 14

Today's weight: 310

Got this quiz from another blog--The results didn't surprise me at all!

You scored as Theater. You should be a Theater major! Like a bohemian actress, you are seasoned and confident and not afraid to express yourself! Dance 92% Theater 92% Journalism 83% Sociology 75% English 75% Psychology 58% Art 50% Anthropology 50% Linguistics 42% Mathematics 33% Philosophy 33% Biology 25% Engineering 17% Chemistry 0% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

Day 12

Weight: 314

So the TOM weight is coming off, now that I have upped my water to what it should be. I am hoping to be down to 312 by Monday's weigh in.

I'm already noticing some differences: the jeans I'm wearing today are a bit looser, as is my watch. I can actually FEEL my knees and elbows--they're not cushioned by as much fat.

It's 22 days til my birthday. I'm hoping to get 15 lbs off by then so I can be in the 200's again. And I promise--this time I am NOT ever going to have a 3 in front of my weight again.

Day 8

It's Day 8 of the diet, but day 3 of TOM! I had gotten down to 312 on Friday, then I gained 4 lbs in water in 2 days! :( My weight today is 316.5, so it's a net loss of 5.5 lbs for the first week. NOT what I was hoping for...but...I know the number will be big next week.

I'm going to try my best to not weigh myself every day--maybe 3 times a week or something like that. I am getting too obsessed with the numbers already.

Oh, and a shout-out to 'Tater! Thanks for the support!

Day 3--315.5 lbs

The hardest days on a liquid diet are Days 2, 3 and 4. You feel a little light headed and headachy from carb withdrawl. Full-sodium boullion is recommended to help with that. I sip a cup of boullion once a day, and it seems to help.

My calories were a little low yesterday--about 700. I need to be sure I get at least 900-1000.

After my body adjusts to the lower calories for the first couple of weeks, I'll start walking 30 minutes a day for a few weeks, then slowly add in some strength training. But for now...easy does it!

Alan weighed in at 227.5 today! He was so happy to FINALLY be below 230! He kept getting stuck at that number for the longest time.

Judgement

Day Two
Weight: 319

I decided to order some product from newlifestylediet.com to help me along with this weight loss effort. I bought the two week rapid start kit to see if I like the product.

It's amazing how judgemental people can be about folks on a drastic weight loss program like weight loss surgery or liquid diet. No wonder I don't want to tell anyone in RL about it! It is one of those things that no one really needs to know, IMO.

Day One--Starting weight 322

I decided to do the liquid diet. Here's what my day looks like so far:

7:30 am: Shake--100 cals
10:30 am: Bar--170 cals
12:30 pm: Chicken flavored boullion--0 cals
1:30 pm: Shake--100 cals
SF pudding--60 cals
4:30 pm: Shake--100 cals
6ish: 8 oz chicken and 2 cups salad with 2T Walden Farms dressing (sugar free and calorie free)--250 cals
8ish: Shake--100 cals
SF pudding--60 cals
TOTAL CALORIES: 940
Water: 64+ oz

I'm hoping to lose 10 lbs the first week. Last time I did it I lost 12 lbs the first week. But if I lose 5, that will make me happy. I'd like to have steady losses of at least 2 lbs a week or more. My dream goal is to be in the 2's by my birthday on April 15th.

Right now I am using EAS AdvantEdge for shakes and Pria complete nutrition for my meal bar. I'm giving serious consideration to ordering some of the New Lifestyle products, maybe the two week rapid start package. I'm weighing the cost options.

Our friends, Ken and Linda, are moving to our town within the next six weeks. They have offered to let us stay with them in their new home for a bit while we get our house building underway. We are thankful to them for opening their home to us.

Now that I have a better idea of when we are leaving our apartment, I can make some other plans. This weekend I plan to do lots of packing of non-essential items in plastic tubs to be stored in the barn at his parent’s home. I’ll also be doing some sorting and pitching of things that I don’t need or don’t want and giving them to Goodwill. It’s amazing the stuff you can accumulate in a tiny one bedroom apartment over the course of 18 months.

Also during the course of the weekend, I’ll be doing lots of laundry and catching up on the shows I’ve been recording for the last few weeks. There hasn’t been much time to watch recorded stuff, especially with American Idol on three times a week! Next week it will start only being twice—songs on Tuesday, results on Wednesday.

Diet wise, I have totally gone off the deep end! I’ve stopped by Burger King almost every morning this week for a chicken biscuit, hash rounds and an order of cini-minis with extra icing. That’s about 1200 calories right there! Lunches haven't been much better. Not to mention the great dinners Linda has been cooking at our apartment while she stays with us. Plus I’ve been drinking full sugar pop instead of water.

I’ve been thinking about what has worked for me the most in recent years. I lost 70 lbs between November 2003 and May 2004 using Medifast and going to Curves three times a week. I really don’t want to go back on Medifast (it costs too much!), but I did like fact that the plan was easy—using shakes and meal bars. I’m thinking of adapting a plan like that using stuff you can find over the counter. I’m going to do some research online of the protein shakes that are out there and see which one is the best.

Medifast has a modified plan for people that don’t want to be on the full fast plan. They call it the 5 and 1 plan, where it’s 5 shakes/meal bars a day plus one “lean and green meal” consisting of green veggies (like a salad) and 4 ounces of lean meat. They also use things that are very low calorie to help keep full, like SF Jello and broth. I did very well on the plan. It wasn’t until I started having personal problems that I fell off the plan.

I dunno why I want to go back to this type of plan…maybe because it was easy to follow, maybe because of the results I got. I just know that I NEED to start getting this weight off. Sound desperate? Maybe because I am.

Erections....

Thought that would get your attention!

Yesterday I lent a hand to Alan and his dad as they are (erecting) building a new steel building on his dad's site. I was up and down the ladder quite a bit, moving steel around, handing out tools and nuts and bolts. Most of the framework is up. Both of us are pretty sunburnt!

Here are a few pics:





We came home pretty tired. I was taking a shower when I was just overwhelmed with emotion. I know my anxiety is magnified when I am tired, but I just wasn't expecting that. I guess I should though...driving to the apartment after work or after being gone all day starts the anxiety kicking in to high gear. I know I won't feel 100% safe and relaxed until I am out of that apartment.

I am beginnig to think I may have to seek medical help for this anxiety. I know we have to stay here for at least 6 - 8 weeks, and I am trying to find the best way I can to cope. I don't want to take drugs, but it may come to that.

Improving...

Last night I was able to sleep from 10:30 pm to 6 am...with the help of some Benadryl. If I can get my mind occupied enough, falling asleep is easier.

It's really strange--I still don't have much of an appetite, especially when I go home at night. I've dropped about 5 lbs since Tuesday, which isnt bad...not the best way to lose, though. When I DO eat, it hasn't been good things--regular Coke, a whopper jr and onion rings. Not great choices...

I was able to see my neighbor yesterday. She had been able to get into her apartment and retrieve some of the things that didn't get damaged in the fire. (It's AMAZING that anything survived it!!) She's temporarily staying close by. Her fiance is still in the hospital, in a drug-induced coma. The part that really sucks: his family hates her, and since they are not married, she has no legal right to get to see him, and his family is forbidding her to even come to the hospital at all. So any of her information regarding him she's received from a friend of theirs. It would be horrible to be in that situation. In spite of all that, she was very upbeat and smiling. She gave me a great big hug and thanked me for sticking by her while she was being interrogated by numerous agencies. I thanked HER for letting me help her. It gave me someone else to focus on besides myself.

This weekend will be spent doing lots of laundry and packing things up for the move. If I can do things that will move me FORWARD, I think I can get this whole ordeal behind me. I need to establish a new "normal", if that makes any sense.

I need sleep.

I know it's the first post in over a week. We went to Vegas Friday through Monday, flying back home on a redeye Monday night to Tuesday morning. We had great fun while there...I tripled my money playing the slots and roulette, but then spent about half of it on fun souveniers and stuff.

Then, yesterday morning....reality set in. We walked into our apartment. The burnt smell hit me like a ton of bricks. There was still soot and ashes on countertops and appliances. And to top it off, there is a water leak that I'm not sure where it is coming from. To me it looks like it is coming from UNDER the tiles in the bathroom. The apartment office told me that there is nothing that can be done until the fire investigation is completed. The hold up there is the building inspector won't give the okay for the fire department to go in until the ceiling is more supported.

I am not dealing with this very well. Like the first night after it happened, I had lots of trouble sleeping. All I could smell was smoke. Your brain is trained to wake up and be alert when you smell smoke. I couldn't get my brain to shut off long enough to fall asleep. Plus, with the windows closed and air conditioner off, it was way too quiet. I reacted to every noise I heard. I tried turning on the radio, then the fan, for some background noise. That helped some. Once again, I was clinging to Alan like a frightened child. I have never been this afraid of anything in my life.

We're working on getting out of there as soon as possible. It looks like the soonest may be six weeks, though, unless something else can come through. In the meanwhile, I have to figure out a way to deal with living there. I'm working every night to clean as much as possible and wash the smell out of the clothes still left. I'm also going to start packing things away and storing them in a friend's storage area. Maybe preparing to go will help me deal with staying there for the next six weeks or so. I hope it can be less!

I'm also going to try putting a different scent under my nose, like Vick's Vapor Rub or something. If I can get the smell of burning wood out of my nose, I know I'll be able to sleep better. I might even use an over the counter sleep aid. All I know is....I need sleep.

Update...

Here is the story about the fire that appeared in the online newspaper today: http://www.floridatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060222/NEWS01/602220372/1006

Still no word about how our neighbor is doing. I've made a call to the local police department's victim advocate to see if she had any news, but haven't heard from her.

We haven't heard if we will be able to still live in our apartment. To be honest, I don't want to go back there now. Just thinking about it makes my stomach really hurt. I am so fearful of open flames now. Even the candle on the table at dinner last night made me feel very squeamish.

Thanks for your concern and recommending the Red Cross. There was a Red Cross representative there. He helped Kim with some assistance, as well as the folks in the other apartment on the first floor and the folks above them. I guess since we mentioned that we can stay with friends they didn't think we needed any help.

Last night, Alan was able to fall asleep but I had a very difficult time getting there. I tried to get as close to Alan in bed as I could, huddling next to him like a frightened child. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Eric, all charred, the whites of his eyes standing out amongst all the black soot. I kept hearing the screams and banging noise I heard that early morning. I tossed around for about an hour before I went back into the living room of our friends home, where they were watching television.

I sat next to Chris on the couch. He put his arm around me, and I just lost it. He held me very father-like, reassuring me that I was safe there. He shared his practical wisdom on the situation while I sobbed and sniffed into his chest. After I had my release, he made me some hot malted milk and gave me some sort of herbal sleep aid. Denise gave me a couple of magazines to read, and I was finally sleepy enough to try it. I curled next to Alan again, and fell asleep.

Am I ever going to feel totally safe again?

Still in shock....

I'll be brief (sort of....as brief as I can be--you know me!)

Early this morning at 3:30 am, I was awakened by loud screams from the neighbors next door. I thought it might have been a domestic fight. I ran out the front of our apartment to see our neighbor, Eric, standing on the sidewalk, his face and arms totally black. It was then that I saw the orange flames rolling from the window.

Immediately I ran in and told Alan there was a fire and we had to get out! I grabbed his phone and dialed 911, then grabbed some clothes, shoes, and my purse while Alan grabbed his laptop and our safekeeping box that holds passports, titles, etc.

When we ran out, Eric was not outside. I don't know where he was for sure at that point. Eric lived next door with his fiancee, Kim and their three dogs. One of the dogs came running up to us while we were standing there waiting for the fire department. I had no clue where any of the rest of them were at that point. It wasn't until later that I heard they were all out on the other side of the building. I took their other dog to the other side of the building and asked a firefighter where Eric and Kim were so I could give them their dog back. He said he didn't know, but that he would take the dog where the other dogs were. They took Eric to the hospital--he is severely burned, estimated at about 60-70% of his body. As of this writing, I don't know his condition.

There is a lot of water and smoke damage to our apartment. For the next few nights, we are staying with our friends Chris and Denise, then we will be going to Vegas for our vacation. There is a good chance we may not be able to live in our apartment anymore, and our complex has nowhere else to put us. So, add potential homelessness to the list.

I'm writing this from home, as they have allowed us back in temporarily to get some clothes and things. I am planning to return to work tomorrow. I am still in great shock. Funny thing, though--I was calm enough to be a good support to Kim as she sat in the apartment office, answering a berage of questions from the fire marshall and police. (I don't think I mentioned, but the cause of the fire at this point seems to be a candle.)But now, I just feel very shaky and want to fall apart. I am SO THANKFUL to God for giving me Alan in my life to be my rock. I don't think I could have survived this without him.

The photos above:

Our apartment door is on the left.....

Our bathroom....that black stuff is soot and ashes. Notice the scales survived! :)

Will update when I can.

PS: For all those who can receive channel 2 WESH out of Orlando, they interviewed Alan about the fire.....

So....how am I doing? (NYE's resolutions revisted

Here's my New Years Resolution Progress report (A, B, C , D or F)

--Eat 5-6 small meals a day, staying within 1700-2000 (remember, I have over 120 lbs to lose)........I do well with this during the work week, but not so good on weekends. GRADE: B

--Eat a source of protein with each meal.....I do fairly well with this. GRADE: A

--90 oz of water minimum....during the week is no problem, need to do more on the weekend. GRADE: B

--track food and exercise in SparkPeople (see link on the right side of the page).......I do at least some tracking every day. It may not be the whole day, but the majority. GRADE: B

--Be in bed by 10 pm every night, so I can get 8 hours of sleep.......NOT so good at this, especially since we got cable..;) GRADE: D

--Do at least 10 minutes of exercise a day BARE minimum (will most likely do 30 minutes daily)......... NOT well at all--lost my mojo about a month ago when my really bad period sidelined me. GRADE: F
--Try different workouts (yoga, Biggest Loser, WATP, etc)....when I've worked out, I've done this. GRADE: D
--Manage time better--plan workouts, pack lunch the night before, pick out clothes the night before, etc).......this is hit and miss. Some days I do , some days I don't. GRADE: D
--Plan meals for the week rather than waiting to decide on the ride home from the office......I have not done this at all. GRADE: F

So my average grade so far: C

Why did I do it?

Well, at 10:47 am I have consumed over 700 calories, mainly because I decided to have a 3 Musketeers bar (okay, two). I ate them on the way back from the doctor's office. I bought it when I went to get a car magazine to send to Jamie at boot camp. I am trying to figure out why I bought them and ate them in the first place. I wasn't hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I wasn't bored or stressed either. I guess I bought it to treat myself for getting through the doctor's visit. (It really wasn't that stressful--just a Pap smear.) BTW, my weight on the doctor's scale was 327.

Just trying to figure this out....

Motivation

More good stuff from 3 Fat Chicks, this time by Funniegrrl:

I finally stuck to a program for a number of years when I gave up on motivation. Here's what I realized:

Motivation will often get you started, but motivation is an EMOTION. Emotions always come and go, it's natural. So, if you build your world around dependence on it, you'll always be disappointed. It always leaves. If you stick around long enough it'll come back, but it's going to cycle in and out for the rest of your life.

For me, success finally came when, rather than hoping my motivation would sustain me through losing and keeping off 170+ pounds, I decided I was going to do what it takes to see me through. I had a long talk with myself about the fact that it was going to be hard when that initial enthusiasm faded, that there would be times when I was hanging on by my fingernails. I would often have to do things I didn't WANT to do, or I would have to refrain from doing things I WANTED. I could no longer live my life by whim. I would give up a lot of things I enjoyed -- not only eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, but I LOVE cooking and talking and reading about recipes and techniques and restaurants and cuisines. I was giving up my primary hobby. I would have to find other ways to deal with boredom besides food. I was going to make a radical change in my life, and that included being active. I learned about myself and what strategies would help me stay on track when "motivation" and "willpower" were not close at hand. I felt vulnerable when my office had it's holiday party that first year ... so I didn't go. I don't keep food in the house that I'm prone to binge on. I make sure that I have my lunch for the next day packed before I go to bed so I don't have the "I didn't have time this morning" excuse. Etc.

Good for you for coming back. There are lots of ways to keep that motivation flowing -- books and websites to read and whatnot, journaling, etc. However, I think the people who are successful in the long run do so through determination, not motivation. At least that's the case for me.

And more:

Let me challenge you to think about this in a little different way. Forget about "motivation." First of all, no one here can give you motivation -- it has to be something you give yourself. Second, motivation is an emotion that comes and goes. Even if you were to get motivated to put down the knitting and hit the treadmill, that motivation isn't going to last forever.

Getting healthy -- whether you are talking about eating, or exercise, or whatever -- is about committment. You decide that this is what you are going to do, regardless of whether or not you "feel like it" on any given day. Decide on a reasonable exercise schedule, put it on your calendar, and do it. You do it because it's time to do it, not because you'd rather do it than anything else.

I don't show up for work every day because I'd rather be at the office than at the local coffeeshop with a bagel and a crossword puzzle. I do it because I have to. Same with brushing my teeth, taking out the garbage, writing checks to the landlord. There are consequences if I don't. I don't ENJOY these things, I don't feel "motivated" to do them, but I do them nonetheless.

There may come a day -- I HOPE there comes a day -- where you enjoy exercise for its own sake. But, until that day comes, you have to make up your mind that it is simply something you are going to do because you need to do it.

And even more:

I understand what you are experiencing, but for me this isn't about "motivation." Motivation is an EMOTION, which comes and goes. There are things you can do to keep it pumped up, which I'll talk about later, but even then it's going to desert you from time to time. What has kept me going through over 3-1/2 years and the loss of over 165 pounds is DETERMINATION.

If you find yourself giving in to fleeting urges frequently, to me that's a sign that you need to do more planning. When I started my program I sat down every night and planned my menu for the next day down to the smallest detail. I laid out things for breakfast as much as I could, and I packed my lunch and all the snacks I would need at work the next day (if the next day was a work day). When I got home from work I knew exactly what I had to prepare for dinner. Some people would balk at this -- the work, and the "restriction" -- but for me it was crucial. Eating by whim was what got me to well over 300 pounds. By knowing that I would be eating a meal or snack every 3 to 4 hours, I eliminated the "hmmm I think I want something to eat" mind-wandering. I had a schedule. Second, it eliminated the possibility of making those split-second decisions to eat something bad -- if it wasn't in my lunch box it was simply off-limits. Period.

I still find that the times I eat off-plan are the times I've done the least planning and preparation. I have kind of a "menu template" that I follow, but am willing to let myself make last-minute choices within that template. However, the less prepared I am with viable choices, the more likely I am to make poor ones.

That time each evening planning the next day's food also served as a time to simply focus on what I was trying to accomplish. I think a lot of people trying to lose weight have this vague wish to do it, but they don't spend time every single day THINKING HARD about it, making concrete plans, anticipating challenges, visualizing solutions. I think we all have a strong tendency to want to "wing it" and do only what we want at a particular moment -- eat the junk, stay on the couch, whatever. The ones who are successful are those who work hard to turn that thinking around, who give up some of that supposed freedom (which is really a prison built of food and sloth) in order to accomplish goals. In addition to the time I spent on menu planning, I also made sure I went to the grocery store every week, same day and time, to stock up with healthy food for the week. There were no excuses about not having vegetables in the house or whatever. I also spent a lot of time reading about fitness and weight loss (such as Thin for Life, and Shape magazine, and health and fitness web sites). This became my hobby, it became a focal point of my life. I truly believe that for people who have a lot of weight to lose, especially if they've struggled with weight a long time, this HAS to become a project that takes center stage. It is not something you can do incidentally, at least to start. If you build a good foundation, you can gradually shift to a more "normal" life as the new habits take hold. But if you never dedicate the time and energy to planning and journaling and digging deep, it'll be hard to turn around that conditioning that associates stress with chocolate, movies with popcorn, shopping with fast food, etc.

Evaluation

I just LOVE when Charles78 on 3 Fat Chicks shares what he has learned over the last two years on his weight loss journey. This is what he wrote in response to Jenaya's post about struggling:

When I started and at the advice of my behaviorist I did a evaluation of where I was at and what I wanted for myself. Here is what motivated me. I re-read this a lot. It helps to keep me focused. ( I made notes where some things have changes)

Make sure you goals are:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Timed
"Knowledge without action is useless"
My Maintenance Weight Goal is: 230

Make sure that all the goals you set for yourself are SMART ones.


SOCIAL PRESSURES

• I don’t go out a lot, so this is not a super concern for me.



RELATIONSHIP CONCERNS

• I have a 7 year old daughter. A huge motivator for me is to:

o Get healthy so I will be around for her
o Get fit so that I can be a better father – do more things with Katy and do what I can for her to have a better childhood
o I worry about the bad example that I set for Katy in the weight department. I know the stigma of being over-weight and I really don’t want that for my daughter.





Willingness vs. Excuses (Where are you at?)
• I feel very willing to make this change in my life. I feel stupid for waiting this long to do it. I do beat myself up a good bit over the wasted years of my life. I know that I need to put that baggage down and move on. It bothers me that I left myself go for so long. I need to work on that.




Rate your level of Motivation and Confidence (Scale of 1 to 10…10 being very):

• Most days a 7 or 8. I feel good about the change. I would put higher but I know the statistics are very daunting for long term successful weight loss. Some days, especially if I have a bad day, I give in to a little pity and despair. On those days I would say my motivation goes to about a 3 or 4. Thus far, my good days have far out numbered my bad ones.



Eating Triggers (List……Smell, Sight, Taste, Cravings, Trigger Foods, etc.)
• French Fries
• Frito's
• Fresh baked bread
• Smell of cooking steak
• Potato chips of any kind


Emotional Triggers (List……i.e. Happy, Sad, Bored, etc.)
• Sad
• Stressed
• Bored
• Angry
• Frustrated

High Risk Situations (List - Weekends, Parties, Work, etc.)
• Weekends – but only because it gets me out of my routine.
• Very high stress situations make me want to eat.



10 ways to reward myself without food:

1. Quiet time – read a good book (Got my room setup)

2. Go to the movie

3. Purchase next electronic must have LOL

4. Go to a play, concert or museum

5. Go workout at the gym - hit the whirlpool afterwards.

6. Buy some new clothes.

7. Go out with friends.

8. Make time to mini-vacation. (Galveston on
weekends, short trips.)

9. Buy some good songs from Napster for my mp3 player.

10. Treat myself to a massage






20 ways to cope without food:

1. Get more active. go workout, do more things with Katy

2. Realize that whatever problems I am facing, they will be easier to face if I am healthy and feel good. Nothing that I have to deal with will be easier at 563 pounds. In fact, no matter what the situation it will be easier to deal with at 220-230 because I will have more energy and feel better.

3. Realize that I have a food addiction. Support groups are now going to be a part of my life from now on. It will be a never ending process to get and stay healthy, but one that I know will be worth it for me and for my family.

4. Read as much information as I can about successful strategies for making lifetime behavior changes.

5. If I feel bored, get up and go do something…. Anything but eat. If I feel angry – go take a drive, listen to some music – call someone in my support team. If I feel sad and start in on myself about things that I have not done with my life, remind myself that the past is over and cannot be changed. The only events I have control over are the ones happening right NOW!

6. Join an on-line discussion group with people that have the same problems that I do with food. As I use a computer so much and read a lot of message boards, this might be a good source of additional support to supplement the support groups I am already active in.

7. Schedule some “play” time everyday

8. Don’t be reluctant to say “No”

9. Look for ways to reduce the stress in my life.

10. Try to see problems as challenges that if I plan and work hard on, that I can overcome.

11. Continue to work to find serenity. While some aspects of my life are not great, I need to keep the serenity prayer in mind.

12. Put focus back on being very productive at work. If I excel in that part of my life, it will help to relive some of my stress. Lower stress will help in all aspects of my life.

13. Actively seek out and deal with parts of my life that I tend to suppress and procrastinate on. Pretending the problem is not there will not make it go away. ( damn it to hell )

14. Go to Bally's. That will give me a healthy outlet for exercise, social interaction and recreation.

15. Plan, budget for and do activities with Katy to broaden her horizons and be entertaining, fun and educational for the both of us.

16. Look into taking yoga or a meditation class.

17. Read more books!

18. Spend more time with my friends.

19. Set a goal for myself to coach a FFPS soccer team next fall.

20. Lastly, I resolve to do whatever it takes – therapy, educational classes, support groups and even surgery as a last alternative to achieve my goal of better health by reaching and maintaining for the remainder of my life a healthy weight.




DENIAL MINIMIZATION RATIONALIZATION

(Or as I like to call them, the 3 horsemen of the Apocalypse)

(Some of my best thinking processes about food helped me become overweight)

Denial
• My coping mechanism seems to be repression. If I have problems or issues, I just refuse to confront them. I do lots of other stuff not to deal with issues. I think that this is a form of denial. I don’t give into the “oh I eat nothing and the weight just jumps on me” kind of thing. I know that I got the way I am by eating 5000 plus calories a day. At the time, I just did not give a damn.

Minimization
• Ok, I own up to this one. An extra hash brown and an extra sausage biscuit with cheese is not that bad for you.
• I minimized the harm that I was doing to myself with my over eating. On one level, I knew it was killing me, but I just was not willing to do anything about it – until last May (2004).

Rationalization
• OK, I am the king of this one. I consider myself to be intelligent, so I can rationalize just about anything. You know, I am unhappy so what the hell, lets head to McDonalds on the way home from work. How about well, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke – so what? I over eat – everyone deserves one vice. I can make anything I do seem logical… and often do. It is only when I can step back and really look critically and logically at what I am doing can I see it for the BS that it really is. So what if you are unhappy Charles, how the hell is anything at McDonalds going to fix that??? LOL man it is almost funny if it was not so sad.

My Plan to Battle these three:

These three are killers for sure. My plan is to keep my focus on my objectives. Keep going to group, keep involved in an active weight loss program. That will help me stay vigilant for that kind of thinking. I resolve to be honest with the people in my group and the people that I work with on my weight problem so that they can help let me know if I am slipping into one of the big three deadly sins.

To paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, The price of a healthy weight is eternal vigilance.
• I will never be defeated unless I quit trying.
• If I ever relapse to my old eating patterns, I will immediately seek out help to get back on the path to sanity. I will not let shame, humiliation or pride keep me from looking for the help I need.
• If I ever find that what I am doing is not working, I will work to find what will work. I affirm today that my current condition is no longer acceptable to me.
• I affirm that this is something that I want for me. There may a lot of things in this life that I do not have control over – however, my lifestyle and relationship to food is something that with help, focus and desire - it is a goal that I can reach and maintain.


I make this plan for myself and only myself: Sign below….

__________________________________________________



Reduction weight goal: Lose a total of 342.3 lbs.


Time Frame:

I want to be less than 400lbs by December 1, 2004. To reach that goal; I need to lose 4.2 lbs per week. - Reached it.

I want to be less than 300 lbs by May 28, 2005. To reach that goal; I need to lose 3.8 lbs per week. (It took me until 9/26/2006 to reach this)

I want to be at my target weight of 230 lbs by July, 2006.

Exercise Plan: (Days, Length of Time, Types of Exercise, alternatives, Etc.)

This will change over time.

Current
3 Days per week weight training, 2 days per week cardio.

My Calorie Range: Current and until I reach ideal weight 1500 – 1900 per day.



My Meal Plan I Intend to use:
I want to eat a balanced diet. Recommended percentages are:
Fat 20-30%, Carbohydrates 50-60%, Protein 10-15%, and Saturated Fats less than 9% I don’t want to eat many carbohydrates so what I want to do is as follows.

Fat 25-35%, Carbohydrates 30-40%, Protein 25-35%


Food Record Maintenance (Method)

I use www.myfooddiary.com

I will cut and paste this on another entry to answer these myself. Not quite ready to do it yet, though.

Happy Valentire's Day!

Had lunch with my sweetie today---surprised him at work! We're staying in tonight rather than fighting the crowds at restaurants. Al's going to cook his awesome chicken curry.

I was sooo upset at my weigh in this morning--up 8 pounds! Now granted, some of it is TOM water gain, but not all of it! I have really slacked off with my calories and definitely with my exercise. I am getting so sick of this bullshit I do--all this starting and stopping! Why can't I be consistent??

Today has been better. It is 3:30 and I have had 1100 calories and 90 oz of water. I need some strategies to be able to stay on track and quit this losing and gaining the same 10 lbs bullshit I'm doing!

More wisdom from 3FC

Charles78 from Houston, TX posted this on 3FC. Man, it makes so much sense!!


From my group meeting this week we covered what I considered to be a great topic. I thought all of these were great - 3 and 4 really strike me as powerful.

Dr. Matthew Anderson wrote what he calls Six "I don't want to be fat forever" truths:

1. If you stubbornly demand and expect that weight loss and life should be easy, you will consistently fail at weight loss. Why? Life and weight loss are often not easy and there is nothing you can do to change that fact. Long-term weight loss is not for children or sissies. I wish it was but it is not. Get over it and get on with it.

2. If you allow fear to dictate your life choices, you will feel unable to cope with life and will eat to feel better. Then you will get fatter. You must find a way to create courage instead of honoring your fears.

3. If you insist on staying in denial about the real reasons you are overweight, you will stay fat. For example, do you honestly believe you are overweight because you "love food?" If you accept this kind of idea as a legitimate reason, you can expect fat to be your constant companion.

4. If you insist in doing it yourself (weight loss), you can expect failure. We all need support and lots of it. The rule is this: More weight requires more support. Simple and very true.

5. If you think you can be the exception to the rule and lose significant weight without significant inner work and inner healing, you will stay fat. Simple rule: More weight requires more inner work.

6. If you refuse to learn advanced life skills, you will stay fat. We overeat when we feel overwhelmed by life. Increase your life skills and you will eat less. That is the truth. What do I mean by advanced life skills? Here are some examples.


a. Learn to take responsibility for your life situation and problems instead of blaming others.
Become an expert on you and your inner self instead of being an expert on what is wrong with others.

b. Learn to seek and receive appropriate support from others instead of isolating and going it alone.

c. Learn healthy and creative self-expression instead of hiding and suppressing your gifts.

d. Develop effective communication skills for work and relationships.

e. Develop your own personal spiritual values and apply them to all areas of your life.

f. Learn to forgive others and also yourself.

g. Learn to receive at least as well as you give.

Now, I want to respond to (most) of these points:

1. I am guilty of this. I expect this to be so EASY. Most days I think that all I have to do is eat right and that's it. I'm always thinking of exercise as a thing to do "if I have time". I most definitely need to "GET OVER IT!"

2. Fear is a paralyzing feeling. It keeps people from doing things they really want to do. What am I afraid of? What is keeping me from doing this? How can I "create" courage??

3. I think I know why I am fat. I was hurt SO MUCH as a child that I thought I could protect myself with layers of fat--as if it could somehow keep out the pain, when in fact, it was a CAUSE of my pain! Funny thing, the only thing I wasn't afraid of was being on stage performing. Whenever I was up there, I gave it everything I had, whether it was acting, singing or (believe it or not) dancing! (In 2003, I was in a community theatre production of NUNSENSE, and yes, at 340 pounds, I did indeed TAP DANCE!) For some reason, being someone else is very easy.

4. I know for a FACT I can't do this alone! If it weren't for my sweet Alan and my friends at 3FC, I would be having a VERY hard time! Knowing I have people to be accountable to makes a huge difference.

5. This is the one that scares me. I am afraid of the inner work. I do not want to unearth anything that will really hurt me. Sounds wimpy, but it is true. I must hurt REALLY REALLY BADLY to be this fat.

6. After reading this, I can see how much I lack in life skills!!! I'm getting better with A, already do okay with B-E, but F and G need SIGNIFICANT work.

This post is such an eye opener! It has definitely given me lots to think about....

And the verdict is....

We are staying in Florida!

Alan's meeting with the owner of the local company was a success. I'm not exactly sure what transpired, but whatever it was, Alan is satisfied with the results, and therefore, wants to stay put.

Now don't think that just because we're not moving away we won't have adventure and excitement in our lives. We have lots of things in the works, now that we know where we will be. We are looking forward to owning our own home by the end of the year. That in itself can be real adventure!

I feel like I can breathe again....I am very relieved to be staying. Alan is too, I think.

Thanks again for everyone's supportive posts.

As you can imagine, the topic of conversation in our little apartment has been "stay or go?" We've looked at it from every angle, made pro and con lists (see below), put all sorts of scenarios before one another. The feeling of the hour: we want to stay here in Florida.

Today Alan approached the owner of the local company where he works with the news he's been offered another position. Because the owner was on his way to meeting with someone else, they tabled the discussion until tomorrow.

The response from the owner is crucial--it will be a deciding factor. If the owner really wants Alan to stay with his company, he will give him the salary that he should have given him in the first place. If he declines, well...there's our answer.

There are other good things about moving to Iowa: the main thing is owning our own home as opposed to throwing money away renting every month. We can get so much more house in Iowa than in Florida, although it is definitely a buyer's market again down here.

I've been asking lots of friends about what they would do if given the chance. Believe it or not, the overwhelming response has been....go.

We should have a clearer picture of things by tomorrow afternoon.

Thanks for all your great advice and support.

BIG Decision to Make

The company where Alan interviewed in Iowa has made an offer: a salary and bonus structure that would keep us comfortable and an extremely generous relocation package.

PROS for accepting the job: good money, nice area (Midwest), scenic in places, within a decent driving distance to my family, comparable to lower cost of living,good career move for OP

CONS for accepting the job: me leaving a job I love, leaving warm year round weather, leaving his family, leaving very dear friends.

I feel so torn about leaving here--it puts knots in my stomach!

What do we do?????

Dedication

I have a dear friend named Ken who is very spiritual and insightful. I wrote him a short e-mail chronicling my frustration with staying on plan:

I've been thinking alot about dedication today. I've dedicated myself to getting healthy, to being a good employee, and to being the best partner, friend and lover I can be. My main thought today is the health thing. While I know not everyday can be 100%, some days I don't even reach 50%.

Why is it that dedication is not a lasting thing? Why does our resolve run out, even with the best of intentions?

Your thoughts, please....

This is (in part) what he wrote back:

Jen,

If there is one thing that I've been learning of late is that my Higher Power is exceedingly gentle with me. If that power chooses to treat me so, who am I to treat myself any less?

Dedication is important. Commitment requires that one push their envelope, get out of their comfort zone, become someone they want to be. It's important to have a vision of what that end result will look at -- to build on that vision every day so that it is crystal clear in your mind as already having come to pass for you. That vision, commitment, is what will pull you through the times when you make it harder on yourself than needed...


....Instant forgiveness is an ABSOLUTE MUST. Your past, even just a moment ago, no longer counts. What you do now is what's important. Eventually, you will catch yourself in the act and can gently change your mind. Why is this important? Because you are 100% loved and supported by the Universe all the time for who you are in this moment; a Universe that has followed every word, thought, feeling and deed in your life and knows exactly why you must be who you are right now in this moment (I have a friend named Scott who maintains God has watched every dirty, rotten thing he's ever done and loved him while he was doing it), To not love yourself as much as (god (Good) does is an affront to that Eternal Love (not that you can truly offend Perfect Love).

One day at a time (ODAT) is the recommended pace. One meal at a time. People in OE say what makes the challenge seem so great is that you have to walk the animal three times a day, lol. A better way to look at it is through the commitment/vision you choose. You are a woman of power! You can't ever fail, you can only progress. Everything you need has already been given to you. It's inside you now. You don't have to create it. You have to discover and align yourself with it, trust it, listen to it, do what it suggests even if it suggests you do nothing (which is often hardest). The Truth, in fact, is that you don't even have to. It's completely voluntarily -- you get to choose. You are free! Isn't that marvelous?
And...you can use it for every facet of your life. But begin here, your weight. Prove it through your own experience. God won't be offended if you test him. You don't want to get skinny, after all, you want the experience of being a thinner person. Build your vision and commitment around that. What does that look like to you. It is already yours, guaranteed...

Already mine?? You mean I am already a size 10?? I'm glad someone told me!

Thanks for these words, Ken....

Iowa...Nice place to visit BUT...

Definitely don't want to live there! Not that there is anything wrong with Iowa--it looks like a good, wholesome place to live, but it is so COLD and MISERABLE!

Alan's interview with that company went well...everyone seemed really friendly and easy to work with. WHY did he go on the interview, you may ask, when he already accepted a position with another company? Well, two reasons: one, the trip was already booked and paid for; two, the company he starts with low-balled him on the salary, so he has determined that his job search is not quite over.

I have to admit, the Iowa company really shelled out the bucks to court Alan. I mean, they paid for BOTH of us to fly there (about $600 total), three nights in a three-star hotel ($300), all traveling expenses (parking, meals, other incidentals, about $100), meals at the hotel ($100), and a meal on Friday evening at a nice restaurant (about $250 for six people) for a total of $1250. That may be a drop in the bucket for this company, however.

Diet and excercise wise, we had good days and bad days. Bottom line: I'm up 3 lbs, and so is Alan. I figure with careful eating, lots of water and some good cardio, it will come off in a few days.

I'm really proud of us. We chose to walk places around the city and airport rather than take transportation. We walked the full length of the Atlanta airport, from Concourse A to D on the trip out and reverse on the way back. It was a 20 minute walk each time.

We had some fun while out there. It was a trip of firsts--our first time to be in Iowa, Alan's first hockey game (not so fun--the team got beat pretty badly), my first riverboat casino (LOTS of fun, although I lost $23).

To sum it up: it was a nice getaway that we didn't have to pay for. Alan has yet to be offered the position, so we will see what happens. I doubt seriously he will accept for two reasons: one, they will probably not offer the salary it would take to move out there, and two, it is just TOO FRICKIN' COLD. We are so spoiled living here in Florida!

PS: Alan starts his new position with the local company today. He is there as I write this, in fact!

He got it!!

Alan got the local position he interviewed for...HOORAY! It is about $12k a year less than what he made before, but it is still a hell of a lot more money than $0!

Alan and his former co-worker are still wanting to start their own company. They placed a bid on a design and build job with a company that likes them and wants them to do it, but has a slow process of giving the green light. Both Alan and Bob have had to take positions with other companies in the meanwhile for income.

The other company said it may be as late as April before they give the green light to them for the project. In the meantime, Alan will give his all to this new position and maybe solicit some smaller designing projects. Since this new company low-balled him salary wise, it won't be as hard to leave once the green light happens for this project.

The best news of all: we don't have to leave Florida!!! With all of Alan's interviews thus far being in colder places like Virginia, Montana and Iowa, this is most welcome! The weather is not the only reason we want to stay. We have several others: we have property in the country near his parents where we want to build a house; his parents are getting on in years (although they are both in good health right now, that could change); and we have lots of friends here. We have our roots TOGETHER here.

In all the excitement I forgot to mention: the scale showed me at 320 today!

Good Luck, Honey!

TODAY's WEIGHT: 322.5

Alan has a lunch meeting with a company that has been courting him awhile. He is expecting them to offer him the position today. Let's hope the offer is a good one!

On my job front, I have been pretty busy this morning. Mark is a great boss--definitely not a micromanager. He knows I know my job and lets me do it. Today he threw five little tasks at me at once to do before he headed out the door to see a client. I was able to take care of all of his requests in about 15 minutes. Just call me WONDER ADMIN!! Mark has praised me in front of customers, which is always a great thing. (Actually, praise of any kind is great!)

I'm on plan so far today, with food and water. Not sure that I will get to work out at home today. We have company coming for dinner and to spend the night. They are friends of ours that want to relocate here and are going to job interviews and to see realtors. It will be great to have them here! Linda is a nurse, and has an interview with one of the local hospitals. Ken is a songwriter, and he's bringing his guitar so we can sing songs together all night. How fun will that be!

WILLPOWER

There's a great thread on 3 Fat Chicks about willpower. http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73855

Charles78 (who has lost 274 lbs) wrote the following:

I really know how you feel. When I was dealing with this myself, I heard a lot of things that really helped me adjust my thinking. Here are a few of the things that struck me the most.

Using willpower to make a lifestyle change is using a short term solution on a long term problem. If someone gave you a task of holding a bucket full of sand 18" off the floor, you could pick it up and use your "willpower" to keep holding it up. No matter how much "willpower" you have, no matter how determined you are... you will drop that bucket at some point. You need to find what can work for you long term. You don't need willpower for that. What you need is willingness. A willingness to change. A willingness to keep trying - knowing that you will never be perfect. A willingness to take it one day, one meal at a time. A willingness to aim for progress, never for perfection. As someone touched on above, you need to work on doing the right things more often than you do what is not healthy for you.

If you fall back into your old patterns, don't apply black and white thinking to it. It is not pass - fail. When you eat healthy make sure you write down how you were feeling what was going on and reward yourself for it. Use positive self talk to congratulate yourself. When you make unhealthy choices - don't let your mind tell you well I messed up today - I will start back tomorrow. There is no tomorrow - only today. Each meal, everything you eat you have a choice. You have the power within you to make those choices that you need to make to reach your goal.

When I make unhealthy choices, I try and write down not only what was going on - but I make myself come up with 5 things I could have done to avoid making that poor choice. I own up to my actions then I let it go and move on. Beating yourself up only reinforces a negative self image. I am the king of this one. It has been the hardest thing for me to change and I still struggle with it.

You can do it. You will reach your goals. I know you will. You need to know that you will too. I know it is hard. God, do I ever - change is never easy. It takes us out of our comfort zone. You can do it.

I LOVE reading the stuff he writes. He's been where I am...and he KNOWS what I and so many other obese people face every day.

Thanks for this, Charles!!

I'm FIRED up!!

I woke up feeling better than I had all week! I am determined to make this a GOOD day on plan! I've already had my Kashi Go Lean Instant Hot Cereal with a banana, and I have my snacks and lunch planned out. The only thing I don't have planned is dinner. I will probably make it simple, like a big salad with a chicken breast or something like that.

Side note: If anyone who reads my blog wants to chat via Yahoo IM, my ID is jen41565. I'm usually on sometime in the evenings during the week and off and on during the weekends.

Getting back to normal...Finally!

Day 8 of my cycle, and it's finally going away. I haven't weighed in a couple of days to see what the damage is....hopefully it is minimal.

Spent today just relaxing with Alan. Basically I haven't gotten out of my bathrobe, except to take a shower.

We've heard news about Alan's son. He is doing well at boot camp. Alan hasn't heard from him directly--just form letters letting him know what his contact information is. Recruits cannot communicate directly with anyone on the outside for the first few weeks. We're going to write him a letter and send it off tonight.

What a long strange trip....

I am still feeling very crampy today. I took a pain pill about 12:30 or so and BOY, do I feel loopy! Good thing all my work is done here at the office, and all I have to do is cruise until 5:30.

I need to find a natural remedy for my pain, because I do not want to take any pain meds if I can help it. I wonder if there is an herbal supplement or tea that would work?

I spoke too soon....

Not less than two hours after my last post, I started getting the worst cramps and nausea!! I went home from work at 10:45 this morning, came straight home and took a pain pill and laid down. I've been dozing on and off most of the afternoon. Alan has been great, getting me whatever I asked for (including some silence). He's wonderful--I am extremely lucky.


Speaking of Alan--his interview today went very well. He feels certain he will get an offer. Hopefully it will be an offer he will want to accept.

Much improved!

I'm feeling much better today. I definitely want to work out tonight after work. Believe it or not....I missed my workouts! I had gotten so used to them, and will be glad to get back to it.

Alan has a second interview with a company locally. Hopefully they will see what an asset he would be and hire him today! That would help get the ball rolling. In the meanwhile, we are flying together to Moline, Illinois for an interview. The interviewing company is paying for me to come out as well, plus putting us up in a three-star hotel for three nights over the weekend. It will be a nice little getaway. It will be COLDER than what we are used to! I'm not even sure where my winter coat IS, much less if it will still fit!

Speaking of fit, another one of my fears comes into play--flying. Not because I am afraid of heights or that we will crash, but I am afraid of NOT fitting in the seat. Luckily, I'm sitting with Alan,and we can push up the arm in between us.

Alan and I are planning a trip to England for his 50th birthday in late October/Early November. I DEFINITELY do not want to have to worry about fitting in the seat then! I want to be more comfortable when we have to be in a plane for 9 hours.

I want to get below 300 SO badly!! I remember what I felt like, and want to get back there again.

Still in hell....

I went home from the office yesterday at noon with the worst cramps I've had in a long time. It takes alot to sideline me from work, and this was bad enough to do it. So I went home, took a leftover darvocet and put on the heating pad. I took advantage of sitting still and watched all my TiVo'd programs I had been saving for awhile.

I did pretty lousy on my eating yesterday. I really wasn't hungry at all, but was DYING for chocolate. So, when I bought a new supply of pads at Walgreens, I also bought a small bag of Dove chocolate (the best chocolate in the WORLD!) Needless to say, the whole bag disappeared.

Oh well, that was yesterday....today is a new day.

Ugh....Monday.....

Had a fun weekend with friends (fun that is, until my period started and the cramps from hell arrived). This is only day 2 and I feel sooooooo bloated! I went from 322 on Friday to 325 this morning. I so wanted to stay home this morning, but Mondays are the worst day to leave my co-worker in the lurch to cover. So....here I am, pain meds and all. Maybe I'll head home early after the Monday stuff gets done. We'll see....

Stress....

...I've got it. In spades.

First, work: Marnita is gone for a few hours to a training class, the phones are going crazy, and everyone on the other end of the phone is an idiot (probably not really, but sure feels like they are!). I can feel myself being short tempered, and it is taking everything I've got to not reach through the phone line and CHOKE the crap out of these folks!

Second, Alan: He is trying so hard to find work, but so far, all the doors keep getting closed in his face. He's not run out of opportunities yet, but so far nothing has panned out. It's not his fault--he's not sitting home all day surfing porn or anything. He is being as productive as he can be. I guess I am not used to this. Greg (my first husband) worked for the same company nearly the whole time we were married, and is still there. I have not had to deal with my significant other being out of work.

And it's not just our household that is affected by this. Alan pays spousal support and still co-owns the house his son's mother lives in. She doesn't work, so there is no income from her. Alan's savings will soon be running out. He is receiving unemployment (a measley $275 a week), but that's it.

I've been doing some figuring. I can support Alan and me on my income for awhile, but not indefinitely. I know Alan is doing his best, and I know he will be working again soon. I know that he will do his very best for all involved. (Alan, I know you read this--just know I love you very much and I have faith in you!)

Amid all of this, I just want to stuff my face. I am trying to find other ways to cope (like writing this blog entry). But the urge to go overdose on a bag of Dove chocolate is very strong! Luckily for me I can't leave the office today, or else I'd be up the street to Walgreens making my purchase!

I just had to get this out--thank God for this blog!

I'm The Biggest Loser!!

I'm doing a challenge at SparkPeople. They have several teams of different colors that are doing a weight loss challenge a la "The Biggest Loser". I'm on the Blue Crew, and this past week I was the biggest loser on the team, and was tied for 2nd place for Biggest Loser overall!

Here's the link: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/messageboard.asp

Don't panic....

No need to panic...the scale was up 1.5 lbs this morning. I know this is all part of the body fluctuating and re-distributing, so I'm not to concerned.

I have worked out nine days of the last 10, which is a MAJOR accomplishment for me! I will continue the six days a week for at least as long as I am doing the Biggest Loser DVD.

I'm not sure what is different this time around with losing weight. Hang on a minute--I do know: It's because Alan is participating as well. Makes a BIG difference! We are supporting each other through this, even though his journey is shorter than mine. I'm very lucky to have him!